Damn it to hell, what in the bloody hell have I done? Jesse's mind screamed the words loudly inside his head as he slowly opened his eyes and finally his sanity came rushing back to him. With guilt and disgust lashing through him, he rolled off the woman beneath him; fell on to his back covering his eyes with his arm. Taking in great gulping breaths, as he tried to work out how he could have let such a thing happen and what he should do about it now.
When his mind eventually began to clear, his anger at himself grew within him, with each harsh breath he took. What the hell am I going to do now? His mind screamed as he once again felt the guilt rush through him.
He just made love to a virgin, an innocent, a woman he didn't have any right to touch and a woman that deserved better and much more than he was willing to give. To his shame, he not only made love to her but he also left his seed deep inside of her, which complicated things even further. Dropping his arm away, he turned his head slightly and looked worriedly at the woman lying in the hay beside him and seeing the ecstasy still on her beautiful face sucked in his breath.
Her rich auburn hair spread out framing her face, and her body lay like a shimmering pearl as it glistened in the moonlight. As his gazed slowly swept over her, he felt himself begin to harden again. Disgusted at his lack of willpower, he silently cursed and stood up quickly reaching for his pants, he jerkily pulled them on hastily. With his back to her, he hurriedly did up the buttons and growled out, "Get dressed. Camon, hurry and be quick about it." Jesse's voice came out harsh with guilt as he pulled on his shirt; he turned to look over his shoulder to see if she obeyed him and relief washed through his body when he saw her dressing.
Camon still trying to come to grips with what she and Jesse just shared, never in all her life did she think making love would be so overwhelmingly dazzling. Jesse made her body sing with ecstasy even now, she still tingled from head to toe, but she grew disappointed when he moved out of her. When she saw him jump to his feet, she frowned, hoping he did not regret the beautiful experience they just shared.
Because Lord help her, she didn't regret it; in fact, she hoped that very soon she could experience the mind consuming rapture again. Sitting up, frowning at the harshness of Jesse's voice, she brushed the hair away from her face. Biting her lip, she looked at his taut muscled back worriedly. Somehow, she knew deep within her heart that now he did regret making love to her.
Her lips tightened so she wouldn't cry, she reached for her nightgown and pulled it on. Still she wondered why Jesse seemed so angry. It appeared as though he never wanted what they shared between them to happen at all. Lord help her, she wanted him to kiss and touch her from the moment he first rode up to the house. Taking a deep breath, she rose to her feet.
"Jesse what's wrong? Why are you so angry? Is it because of what we have done? Please Jesse tell me you're not angry because of it." She looked up at him, wringing her hands, her green eyes pleading with him.
Silently cursing, Jesse slowly, reluctantly turned to face Camon. "What in the bloody hell have I done, don't you mean Camon? What happened is entirely my fault." He ran his hand through his long golden hair and looked sadly at her, taking a deep, harsh breath he stared over the top of her head and spoke again in a tight voice filled with contempt for himself. "Look Camon this should never have happened, you should never have come out here, and I should never have let things get out of hand. Damn it all Camon, I told you I was leaving, you didn't do this to keep me here did you?"
The thought hit him hard but looking at the hurt and astonishment on her face, he knew she never planned such a thing and felt another wave of guilt swamp him for thinking she would. She is too sweet and too innocent to try to use such a devious way to keep him. Camon felt her eyes swim with tears at Jesse's cruel words and accusation, she also felt devastated that he regretted what they shared, but most of all his words of leaving nearly overwhelmed her with heartache.
Guilt once again riddled him at the desolation he saw on her face. "I'm sorry I didn't mean it, look Camon, this should never have happened and I am a real bastard for letting it." He silently cursed himself when he saw the stunned hurt look come over Camon's face. Jesse also noticed the tears that came into her large green eyes, and once again, he ran a hand through his long blonde hair, feeling the heavy weight of remorse set firmly on his shoulders.
Hell, things suddenly became such a bloody mess and staring down at her, he knew that he would cause her even more heartache. Turning away from her, he could no longer look into her wounded green eyes or face a moment longer. Because he knew if he did, he would never be able to leave her. It was even more imperative that he leave now, because he knew if he stayed, he would make love to her again, and he could never let it happen a second time.
Hearing his words, Camon felt her heart ripping apart and into tiny pieces. She thought Jesse loved her as much as she loved him and that is why she came out to the barn to be with him. Why she gave herself to him. How could I have been so wrong? It seemed that Jesse did not care for me after all.
Anxiously she watched him quickly saddle his horse; her heart twisted in her chest, as the realization of what he intended doing slowly sunk in. She kept trying to push the horrendous thought from taking hold. It was not until he started stowing his gear on the back of his horse that everything seemed to sink in and the reality of what would happen next filled her.
"Jesse I don't understand. Please, what are you doing? You're not really going to just ride off and leave me? I thought you loved me as I love you. Please Jesse let's just talk about this, I know you were planning to leave in a few days, but can't we talk about this?" Hearing herself pleading, she quickly swallowed the rest of her words when she saw that Jesse just kept packing his gear, ignoring her.