If you've never been married, you may think doing laundry is a mysterious process only women can master. If you have been married, you may think it's the world's worst nightmare/trauma/hassle since the rack--not the one clothes hang on, the one medieval people were stretched on--went out of fashion.

Both these views are wrong.

If you enjoy reading mysteries, you're going to love doing laundry. You see, those stories you heard about vanishing socks are true, and where they disappear to is the one mystery even Sherlock Holmes couldn't solve. A related mystery is why socks disappear some weeks but not others. As is why sometimes two socks disappear, but never two that match.

However, the rest of the laundry process is a breeze, which is what one laundry product claims to make your laundry smell fresh as. Presuming that you can read and follow directions.

Since you've got this book in your hand, you're probably capable of deciphering sentences more complex than, "Run, Spot, run." As far as the following-directions part goes, you know women have been complaining for eons that guys aren't too good at that. And you do have to follow directions when it comes to doing laundry.

Not only are there directions on the laundry soap and other associated products but also on the labels in your clothing. We'll get to the directions on boxes and bottles in a minute.

First, about those clothing labels. They really weren't put there by the manufacturers for the sole purpose of tickling your neck. Leave that to your girlfriend.

George says that one underwear manufacturer puts the laundry instructions tag on the seam between the legs. He urges you to remove that one, but read it first! Otherwise your shorts might disintegrate as a result of being washed...and this could occur on a delayed basis, the damage being done in the washing process but the resultant disintegration occurring later on, while you're wearing the undershorts. Not a happy prospect, is it?

There are clothes that really cannot be washed. This doesn't mean you have to wear them dirty, or throw them away. You know the store on the corner with the sign out front that says, "DRY CLEANING"? Take them there.

There are other clothes that can be washed but not bleached, and still others that can be washed but not dried in the dryer. Mess up, and you could wind up with a formerly-black-but-now-gray shirt, or a wool sweater that now perfectly fits your three-year-old nephew. Or your dog.

Some wool items that aren't washable will come out not only smaller but eminently stinky if you err and wash them. Many wool items, all leather and suede, and some other items need to be taken to the dry cleaners.

Then there are the clothes that offer you a bonus. Free of extra charge, they will generously share their colors with anything else you wash with them. Wash that new red shirt with your underwear, and you'll be wearing pink panties just like your girlfriend's. Well, not just like. Yours have a fly front.

Read those labels! Otherwise... Well, you may not be trying to pass for a GQ model, but do you really want to emulate the looks of the bum who begs change on the corner?

Presuming you have checked the labels in your laundry and sorted out the stuff that won't withstand washing, you are now ready to wash. There are two machines in your laundry room. If you are using a communal laundry room in an apartment building, or in a coin laundry, there are two types of machines. The one with two hoses running into it is the washer, also identifiable by the word RINSE somewhere on the front panel. By default, you can guess that the other machine is the dryer.