People always ask how me and Larry met, and Larry tells this really complicated story how he thought he was going to be mugged or raped or something, and then I came along, and everyone always laughs, but it wasn't like that, really. See, I'd just been to the pub with Daz and Phil and a couple of other lads. We was supposed to be cheering Phil up 'cause he'd broken up with his girlfriend, Leanne, who works on the checkout at Lidl, but some of them were pissing me off going on about poofs, so I left early. I got caught short on the way home, so I stopped to have a wazz in the street. I mean, I checked to make sure there wasn't no one there before I got my cock out. I didn't want to shock no one.
But it took a while, 'cause I'd had a few pints, so by the time I was almost finished, this bloke had turned into the street. I could hear his footsteps, so I looked up, 'cause I didn't want no one sneaking up on me when I had my cock out, and there he was. I mean, it was Larry, but I didn't know that then. I just saw this really pretty guy in a posh suit. He had browny-blond hair, like straw that's been left out in the rain--I don't mean it was messy or nothing, it was just that mix of colours, like it couldn't make its mind up if it wanted to be yellow or brown. And his face was kind of delicate, and he was really little. Way shorter than me. Skinny too. I like them skinny. And he was looking at my cock. So I smiled at him, 'cause he was pretty, and then I zipped up and headed his way. Which was my way home, I mean. I wasn't planning to make a pass or nothing, 'cause I could tell he was too posh for me.
"Shit," he said, and he started backing up like he was scared or something. "Ah, sorry. I didn't mean to--"
I wasn't sure what he was on about, so I smiled again. He looked like he was about to piss himself, and I didn't like it, you know? It's not right, people being scared like that. "You look like you're about to piss yourself," I told him when I got close.
"Shit," he said again, and he sort of leaned against the wall and closed his eyes like he wasn't feeling well, so I stopped and leaned over him.
"You should let me take you home," I said, 'cause I was worried he might not make it on his own. "Nice-looking bloke like you, stuff could happen. You meet all sorts on these streets. I saw a bloke getting the crap beat out of him last week just a couple of streets from here."
"You want money?" he said, and he was shaking a bit. "I've got money."
I didn't say nothing for a bit, 'cause he was confusing me, and I don't like making a prick of myself. See, you keep your mouth shut, most times people don't realise you don't know what they're on about. So I just took his arm and set off down the alley, 'cause that was the way he'd been going. He came along with me all right, but he was still shaking. "You live near here?"
"No! Er, yes--please don't hurt me!"
I didn't say nothing for a bit, 'cause I didn't understand why he thought I'd do that. I thought he must have had a lot to drink.
"Your mates shouldn't of let you go home on your own," I told him. See, he's just a little thing; you'd need about three of him to make one of me. "You're such a little thing."
"Oh God," he said, and his voice was all thin and shaky, like the rest of him. "Look, take my wallet, please?"
So I stopped while he got his wallet out, and he had his driving licence in there, so I read his name--Lawrence Morton--and his address. "Fifteen Bewdsley Close, Cambridge. That's that posh bit near the river," I said to prove I'd read it. I tried to give him his wallet back, but he had his eyes shut again, so I put it in my pocket. I think he needed to get to bed. "I'm going to get you home and in bed," I told him.
He wasn't walking too good, so I put my arm round his skinny little waist. I could have snapped him in half. "I could snap you in half," I said, and I smiled so he'd know it was a joke, but he still had his eyes shut.
We went down the back ways 'cause it's quicker and I wasn't sure how long he was going to be able to stand up. I mean, I could have carried him easy, but I thought he might have thrown up on me, and I didn't fancy that, no matter how pretty he was. He was all pale and shaky still. "This it?" I asked when we got to number fifteen. It was a nice place--one of those terraced houses, all tall and thin with no front garden and a skylight into the basement. Pretty windows.
"Yes--please, you've been really kind helping me home, but I'll be fine now," he said, but he looked funny when he said it, so I didn't think I ought to leave him till he was safe inside. His hands were shaking, and the key skidded on the lock, so I took it from him and opened the door.
"You didn't ought to drink so much," I told him as I went in. I thought I'd better make sure he had a glass of water or something, or he'd be feeling like crap in the morning. He looked funny, like he was going to run away or something, which would have been a bit weird as there I was in his house and him still standing on the doorstep. I grabbed his arm and pulled him in after me, in case he was so drunk he'd forgotten this was where he lived. "You got a kitchen?"
"Yes--this way," he said, like he'd just woken up, and he darted through a door. I was surprised he could move so quick, him being drunk and all, so I let go of his arm and just followed him into the kitchen.
He was standing by a knife block with this big knife in one hand and a phone in the other. I thought, he's going to have trouble trying to dial one-handed. "I'm calling the police," he said in this funny high voice.
I didn't get why he wanted the police, but the knife in his hand was shaking all over the shop, so I went and took it off him before he could hurt himself. Then he sort of collapsed down on the floor and said, "Please don't hurt me" again.
"Okay," I said, and I took the knives over to the other side of the kitchen and got the biggest mug I could find and filled it with water. I held it out to him, but he had his eyes shut again and didn't take it. "You should drink this. Then you won't feel so bad in the morning."
He looked up, and his brown eyes were all wild-looking. "No drugs!"
"Good," I said, 'cause drugs and stuff are really bad for you. I put the mug down where he could reach it and sat cross-legged on the floor so I could keep an eye on him, 'cause he was freaking me out a bit. It wasn't very comfortable. I got big thighs.
"Please go," he said. "Just take my money--take anything--and go."
I didn't get why he wanted me to take something, but he seemed really worried about it. So I looked around, and he had a bowl of fruit on the side, so I grabbed an apple, 'cause I always get hungry after I've been drinking. "I'll take this, okay?" Then I left him there, but I took the knives and I hid them in the hall cupboard, just in case.