Jim and Karen were both virgins when they got married twenty-one years ago. Like many young couples, they had fairly unrealistic views of what sex would be like. "Hit and miss" might be a pretty good description of their sex life after the honeymoon; they never really got a handle on things until almost fifteen years into their marriage.

Here's what happened. Jim was always looking for (and worse, thinking he had found) the "magic bullet." He tried something new -- the way he held Karen, cradled her, or tenderly touched a delicate spot -- and he tuned in to her moans, thinking, Okay, this is the key; this will unlock her sexual fury.

While Karen really did enjoy that new touch, she learned to be conservative with her moans because once Jim heard one, he was certain to do the exact same thing for the next fifty to one hundred times they made love. Karen never understood why it took one hundred times of silence to overcome one moan, but that's the way it was with Jim. He became so predictable that what once made her hotter than an August day now turned her into a glacier. Jim would just get frustrated, thinking (but never verbalizing), I know I'm doing this right. It worked that one time! Why isn't it working now? I must not be doing it soft enough (or fast enough, or some other variation).

When I first met with Jim, I gave him a simple assignment. "Jim," I said, "I want you to go home, look at your wife's closet, then look at yours. Tell me if you notice anything different."

"I don't have to go home to do that, Dr. Leman," he said. "I know our closets by memory."

"Okay, then. When you look at the shoes, do you notice anything different?"

"Yeah, she has fifty pairs and I have three."

"Let me guess -- business shoes, tennis shoes, and work-in-the-yard shoes."

"That's right."

"Now, if you counted her outfits and then counted yours, what would you find?"

"I'd need a calculator for her outfits, but I could count mine using my ten fingers."

"What does that tell you?"

"That she likes to buy clothes?"

"Well, yes, but in regard to sex, what does it mean?"

"Well, she doesn't have many sexy outfits, if that's what you're getting at."

Seeing that subtlety wasn't Jim's strength, I decided to lay it out for him more directly. "Jim, what I'm trying to say is that your wife appears to like a little more variety than you do. She doesn't want to wear the same dress on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. In fact, she may not want to wear the same outfit every other Monday. She wants variety.

"You see, some of us guys treat sex like a football playbook. We know what we're going to do, how we're going to do it, and where we're going to end up. The problem with this is that our wives soon grow bored with the routine. They could chart our movements and predict, within about ten seconds, how long we're going to spend upstairs before we go downstairs. Your wife wants more than that."

I saw a lightbulb go on in Jim's mind. What I was saying was making sense.

"Here's your job, Jim," I continued. "Your wife will not be the same woman on Tuesday evening, sexually, that she was on Saturday morning. One night she may be up for adventure or a rushed quickie. She'll want you just to 'take her.' Some mornings she may want slow, languid sex, with you taking a lot of time to convince her that she's up for it. Your job is to figure out which way the wind is blowing on that particular day."

It didn't take much more than that. I didn't need to send Jim to a "sex surrogate" (nor would I ever do such a thing). He didn't have to watch some videos. He didn't need to buy a hundred dollars worth of "marital aids." In fact, Jim realized, as I wrote in another book, that sex begins in the kitchen -- it's an all-day affair. He adopted a new mind-set and, according to Karen, became a virtuoso of the bedroom.

Now, seven years later, sex permeates virtually everything Jim and Karen do. If you haven't experienced this, you wouldn't believe what an amazing marital "glue" good sex can be. Three years ago, Jim was trapped in a job that he hated. His boss was determined to become the most hated man east of the Mississippi. When you're in your mid-forties, feeling trapped is about the worst feeling there is. Jim could barely force himself to go into the office, but with twins who were in middle school (with college in the not-too-distant future), and two toddlers just getting into grade school, he didn't have a choice. Now was not the time to make a risky financial change.

One Friday Jim got an e-mail from Karen. It was the first thing he saw when he sat down in his office:

Great news! The younger kids are going to be at Grandma's house tonight and the older boys will be gone at youth group. I made reservations for eight at Palazzi's [Jim's favorite restaurant]. If you can come home by six, that'll give us a good hour and a half to enjoy the hors d'oeuvres-which I plan to be "wearing." By the way, if you look in your briefcase, you'll find a Polaroid. Consider it your predinner "menu." Can't wait to see you.

Your Karen

You know what Jim said to himself after reading that e-mail? Keep in mind, he was in a dead-end job; financial pressures were mounting. His boss was a jerk who made Jim's daily existence a living hell. But even so, Jim closed the e-mail and said to himself, "I'm the luckiest man alive."

Having a great sex life is an exhilarating experience; it can bond a husband and wife in a way that's unequaled in human experience. Knowing that your bride really does care for you, that your husband desires your body more than anything else, affirms a man and a woman in profound and multiple ways.

Jim and Karen's kids benefited greatly from this e-mail, by the way. When Jim and Karen finally picked up the younger kids from Grandma's house, Jim couldn't wait to see them. Because he was sexually satisfied, he could focus fully on being there for his kids, hearing about their day, and taking the time to tuck them into bed. And don't think that the kids didn't notice how affectionate Jim and Karen were that evening. It gave them a sense of security and happiness, making them think, We're in the best family anyone could be in.

Sexual fulfillment didn't come overnight for Jim and Karen. But when it came, it changed everything about their home. To tell you the truth, Jim would die for Karen; he'd take a bullet for her without thinking twice. There's nothing he wouldn't do for her.

Copyright © 2003 by Kevin Leman