"Dhammn vladish humms, nodgid nythggg ride!" Mardnnn bubbled. The words formed a greenish foam around the edges of the alien's air hole and dribbled over the bright orange pimple on his otherwise featureless "face."
Sam could tell that Mardnnn was obviously displeased, upset, and a bit indisposed, because the alien's normally deep bluish complexion had shifted toward a more cerulean hue. Besides that, the Crumptonian was rocking back and forth on his platform, and wiggling his tentacles in a most agitated fashion. All in all he could tell that his boss was quite distressed.
Like everything else connected with the galactics, this made Sam very worried.
A year before humanity's first interstellar explorers had returned to Earth with astonishing news. Of course, the news was not nearly so astonishing as the lopsided, asymmetrical lump of a green ship that they rode into near Earth orbit. The ship was a gift (a.k.a. "bribe") from the captain of a galactic liner that mistakenly rammed Earth's most sophisticated piece of technology and destroyed it. "Never to speak of this," the captain had pleaded as it stuffed the humans into their new ship, gave them instructions on how to get back to where they started. "Never to make a claim," it begged them, and raced away. Earth's first interstellar visitors had arrived a few months later.
Sam had been walking across the tarmac with his work crew and a cart. His shipment was arriving that afternoon and he wanted to be sure to get it before the local union goons took it for ransom. He couldn't afford to pay any more "conveyance charges" to get it shipped from the Trenton airport. That was part of the reason for his crew; burly types selected more for their intimidation factor than their skills.
Sam was nearly blown over by the sudden rush of air that accompanied the arrival of another alien shuttle craft. No sooner than it had stopped rolling but the ramp slammed down and an unbelievable assortment of aliens tumbled out, scrambling over one another in a mad rush and scattering in every direction as soon as they hit the concrete.
Sam briefly glimpsed something that looked like a skein of brightly colored wires rolling along as it spit out sparks. Something that looked like a hairy toothpaste tube slithered close by his leg. As he watched that thing wiggle away a monstrous elephantine creature with a purple ear (or was that its trunk?) nearly stepped on him. He dodged and stumbled into a bilious green thing, shaped like nothing so much as a tree trunk that was slowly rolling down the ramp.
"Scrmbfgght!" the tree trunk exclaimed with recognizable anger. A wicked looking tentacle waved from the top of the trunk while a reddish eye waved around on a flexible stalk. Sam jumped back in horror, hoping that he hadn't broken some alien protocol.
Behind the tree trunk were two smaller versions who were obviously straining to push it across the tarmac. "Fashtaaar!" the big one shouted and waved its tentacle furiously at the departing crowd. The smaller versions were obviously pushing as hard as they could, but were unable to propel the platform on which the tree trunk sat any faster.
A shout went up on the other side of the field. When Sam looked in that direction he saw a large group of distinguished citizens and even more members of the press racing madly after the rapidly dispersing alien horde. Apparently the first delegates from the galactic hegemony were intent on avoiding formal ceremonies.
Sam saw an opportunity to establish a relationship with these visitors from the stars. "Would you like some help?" he asked graciously, keeping a wary eye on the agitated tree trunk.
"Of course," the larger snapped back quickly. "Mardnnn, our father, is very anxious to begin our business on this new world." The green tree trunk garbled something else and furiously waved its tentacle in the direction of its fellow travellers.
"Pops doesn't want the others to grab all the advantage!" the smaller one added.
Sam quickly considered his options. On the one hand these aliens were a possible threat to everything humanity held dear. On the other hand there were probably a few bucks to be made by those who built a relationship with the aliens. "I happen to have an office you could rent," he suggested, "and I can offer my services at a very reasonable price."
"Excellent!" the alien exclaimed as it waved its tentacle over its head and its eye stalk panned Sam from head to toe. It turned to the tree trunk--Mardnnn, Sam reminded himself--and rustled some phrases.
"I am Town," the alien version introduced itself, "and this is my sister, Brill." The smallest alien waved an appendage in Sam's direction and winked its eye. "Mardnnn agrees that having a native guide working with us will be an advantage. Now, please have your children," Town waved a tentacle at Sam's work crew, "take us to your orifice."
"Office," Sam corrected.
"Whatever."
)
[Book 1 of the Sam Boone Series] Chronologically, this is the first tale in the Sam Boone series. Sam Boone was not above taking advantage of the first group of Galactics who arrived on Earth, but he was not prepared for the habits and perceptions of these aliens who thought Earth's three best attractions were, in no specific order, Disneyland, Hoboken, and Kawasaki's Sushi n Ribs. Nor was he prepared for dealing with his employer's strange children's obsessions.
