Building Relationships [Pace Yourself Series] [MultiFormat]
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eBook by Richard Pace
eBook Category: Self Improvement/Family/Relationships
eBook Description: Building Relationships helps you to open up your world. Find out why some of your relationships work while others fail. By imagining the various ins and outs of personal attachments, you will realize you can finally enjoy your life. By reading one lesson a day, for thirty days, you learn to use your natural instincts rather than "tired old habits" in nurturing your relationships along. Each lesson takes you into a world of possibilities where you open your heart to the people you love, respect and want to know better.
eBook Publisher: Hard Shell Word Factory, Published: 1998
Fictionwise Release Date: January 2005
This eBook is part of the following series:
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WHEN HAVING sexual fantasies, people know exactly what they want. If in the middle of a daydream they decide to change one element or another, they just have to switch their thoughts. And as the French say--Voila! They have instant compatibility. No muss! No fuss! Just by using plain old fashioned "who's in charge here," they take charge. Whether they want to be loving, domineering or submissive, they still have total control. It would seem that if people fantasize control, they have the control they want. Or are they living in a fantasy?
Having control in relationships is very important to some people. Perfectly affable one-on-one relationships seem to require that some of us know where we came from, where we are going and where we are going to wind up. If we seek pity in a relationship, we are considered weak. If we want competition in a relationship, we are weighed overly aggressive. How do we have a perfect relationship? That depends on what you consider perfection.
Relationships are the most fundamental part of our lives. Next to breathing, eating and sleeping, relationships help us to survive. What is it that most of us find we need from other people on a daily basis? Why do we sometimes give up our self-confidence and other strengths to make sure we get along with a relative, a co-worker and most importantly, an intimate loved-one?
Essentially, how we feel about ourselves on a given day reflects how we feel about other people. We take some relationships for granted to the point that imagining rejection is impossible. On the other hand, some relationships depend upon a certain amount of rejection to bring about growth. We are funny instruments of the universe. It seems we need to be both loved and rejected. And there are other elements of relationships that we take for granted that, if we were to think about them, we would probably laugh at out loud.
The fact of the matter is we need to have some chaos in all our relationships to bring about mutual growth. We feed off each other in order to fulfill our destinies. We create certain wants and needs in our childhood that enable us to spend our lives in search of satisfying those needs. Some of us are hungry for love; some of us are hungry for power. Most of us just want to create a fairly active life, free of extremes--accept for now and then.
Most of us imagine ourselves in the company of people who will love us and want to be with us. Whether we are at school, work, home or on vacation, most of us are looking for a reflection of our fantasies and dreams. We imagine ourselves to be a certain type of person with certain types of needs. We go about identifying with things and people and call everyone's attention to our performances in the hope that they will understand why we are important.
We forget the words of wise people who say we are already complete when we are born, and hope that other people will make us feel loved. Love is the most important element in all relationships. Some relationships need love to keep them going and some need a lack of love to make any sense. But love and love alone creates all relationships. Without love there is no desire and without desire there are no relationships. Even if the relationship is for the love of paying one's bills, we all enter into them with people we both love and do not love. Again, love is at the center.
When we meet someone new, we find that we are either interested in a relationship or not. The first impression is very important. It sets the tone for what the future of the relationship will bring. If you meet people and barely get to know them and you see them again and again, perhaps because you work with the person, you will probably have a very slow-developing relationship. This is really the best and fairest kind. A slow-growing relationship gives both people time to get to know each other first. Of course, the more mature (understanding) the people are, the better the chance for a slow and thorough growth. Immature people have a tendency to rush into relationships--unless they glimpse reality first.
The best way to get to know how you feel about people is to imagine certain fantasies about them and see what you think of them in various situations. With these controlled imaginings you have the power to understand your own fears and weaknesses. The key is controlled imaginings. They can help you develop your feelings and combat uncontrolled fantasies that often put a wedge between people for no reason.
Relationships are built around many elements. Intelligence, empathy, mutual dysfunction to name a few. Many people have a strange approach to getting involved in a relationship, whether it is of an intimate nature or not. Though when shopping they find the right clothing or the right gadgets, they tend to throw themselves into relationships as if they were diving into a pool without testing the water first. This is very often caused by low self-esteem. When some people are young, they get the impression that they are undesirable. Often family members are only too eager to teach a sense of insecurity to each other, lest one of them gets the upper hand.
This approach of preventing people from truly expressing their feelings might work in a family when the children are growing up. But when the children become adults, they often only know how to be controlling with other people. It never even occurs to some people that they were actually misinformed as children. Very often these same people as children were taught fear, repressed anger and hatred to get them to understand certain dangers. Somehow, they are never told that for the average person the dangers decrease as they grow older. In fact, very often young children are told to fear certain things for life. When they do finally grow up, they have a difficult time trying to figure out what is real fear and what is unreasonable fear.
The fear of drugs, strange people and committing criminal acts must be taught to children. But an unreasonably afraid child can grow into an adult who becomes addicted to negative day-dreaming. They cannot imagine what it is like to be free of unreasonable fears.
On the other hand, imagining oneself out of being afraid is unusual. Because some people are so reticent about getting close to other people, they only imagine that either they have to have a perfectly good or perfectly bad relationship with others. They believe that relationships must involve total safety from rejection or to expect total rejection. This attitude usually results in people clinging to dysfunctional relationships because they are a known quantity.
Dysfunctional relationships are guaranteed to bring on unhappiness, but it is controlled unhappiness. Sometimes people will stay in certain work relationships because they can accept the amount of abuse they will be ordered to take. They were taught as children that all work relationships are abusive. Imagine being a young adult and going out into the work force with that advice? The person doesn't stand a chance. He/she will forever think that work relationships are unworkable.
The same with intimate relationships. If people know intimate relationships to be only abusive, they will never know a loving intimate relationship unless they change their minds. And they have to change their own minds. No one can do it for them. They must first sit themselves down and imagine that a relationship can be different from what they were taught or observed as children. Even if as adults they observe healthy relationships, they are not going to know what they are looking at or even what they are looking for.
In the thirty lessons that follow, you will be able to imagine how relationships should work, could work or need to work. You will see that when two minds come together--yours and an imagined person's--anything could happen. And you will not have any control over the outcome. You will imagine yourself to be everything from a talking horse to a "monk" in a monastery.
You will be able to open up your mind to understand that you don't have to be perfect or any different than you already are to have relationships that you value. You will be able to ask yourself hard but important questions--the kind of questions that will make you want to know more about yourself. Finally, you will daydream yourself in sometimes funny, sometimes serious situations. You will be asked to picture yourself as a trophy to be given away for a reason you must come up with yourself. You will even find yourself swimming in an ocean only to discover that everyone else out for a swim in the same ocean is you.
These lessons are designed to be read once a day for thirty days. Read through the lesson first, then reread each section and take the time to imagine and answer the questions. You will probably spend approximately a half hour on each lesson and during the day you will notice that the emotions from reading the lessons will surface. You will begin to realize just how important you are in your everyday relationships.
Sometimes you will deal with love relationships; sometimes you will deal with family relationships. In all, you will deal with almost every kind of relationship you can possibly have. You will even become an alien teenager from another planet going to high school and being obsessed with sex and a need to be desirable.
When it comes down to it, we all want to be desirable. We love to want and be wanted; we need to love and be loved. Sometimes we want to be in charge and sometimes we want others to take charge. Being needed is the cornerstone of the human spirit. When we understand that every relationship we have exists because we are needed--our hearts soar.
Very often people look for rejection thinking that having the wrath of someone is better than being ignored. All the time, these people forget just how much they have to offer to so many other people. People sell themselves short under the misconception that they have little power to get what they want out of a relationship.
Being a person who can have healthy and happy relationships is a much-needed asset in this world. You know the kind of people I mean. People who accept others for being themselves. People who know that they must work at healthy relationships without making them full time occupations. People who you know are filled with understanding even when they might be feeling unhappiness themselves.
Relationships are important because they bring two life forces together.
You are a force that helps others see themselves.