None of us is born knowing how to be a parent, any more than we're born knowing how to drive a car. When we decide to learn how to drive, however, we take lessons, read the manual, and practice -- a lot -- before we take to the road. But when we become parents, we're forced to hop into the driver's seat with no experience and -- for many of our number -- very little knowledge or skill. We're driving recklessly at best, blindly at worst. Either way, we can endanger lives if we're not careful. It's important that we take the job of parenting seriously -- seriously enough not to follow the easy road, seriously enough to consciously examine how we parent our children, seriously enough to change when necessary. A thoughtful, organized, calm approach -- in which we slow down enough to identify our mistakes, and make adjustments to correct them -- will keep us all from careening uncontrollably off the shoulder.

How? First, it's meaningful to admit that you don't know it all when it comes to raising children. No one does. The scope and magnitude of the job are immense, and every child is unique. But wisely acknowledging the need for more information opens new avenues to success.

If only the intricacies of child rearing could be detailed in a paragraph or two in a nice, concise manual! Still, as a mother of four, I am acutely aware that each child would require a unique edition. Every person -- whether child or adult -- differs from the next; add to that the myriad ways in which parent and child interact, and you have a situation that can't be tidily predicted. So, all you can do is gather the information available, keep the ideas that seem promising, and adapt that advice to what you know of your child's singular makeup. This is your responsibility as a parent. Countless books, tapes, classes, and support groups offer innumerable strategies to parents willing to search them out. I hope, through this book, to encourage you to invest the considerable time it takes to learn the many skills necessary to raise capable, responsible, polite, and enjoyable people. You are on the right road -- after all, you care enough to read a parenting book.

Hidden Messages is a very different kind of parenting book. It explores the hidden messages that good parents inadvertently send their children. It examines the seemingly healthy everyday interactions between parents and children to find the surprising problems lurking beneath. The stories themselves are parables of a sort, gleaned from the hundreds of accounts that parents in my groups have relayed to me through the years. Each story seeks to teach a gentle lesson by shifting perspectives -- from that of the parent to that of the child. After each episode, I identify the hidden message and then discuss the problem's impact on both parent and child. Each segment concludes with suggestions for specific changes you can make to help you best employ the lesson illustrated.

As with so many situations in life, half the battle is discovering the mistake; the other half is fixing it -- and becoming aware of the potential for error can sometimes prevent it altogether.

Nobody has all the answers; nobody's traveled to all the places that parenting can take us. But with a little personal examination, persistence, and commitment, you can find enough parenting tools to ensure the confidence you need to teach your children the rules of the road, and to direct them toward their own successful futures. I sincerely hope that the panorama that follows will help you achieve that goal.