When children who procrastinate are asked, "Why don't you just do it when you're supposed to?" invariably the answer is, "I don't know." Children, including teens, do not have the vocabulary, the insight, or the understanding to explain to us why they procrastinate.

As a professional speaker who presents keynotes and seminars, including "Improve Parenting Skills" and "Strategies to Blast Away Procrastination," I recently took a survey of adults who procrastinated as children. Over and over the same answer kept popping up: "There may be many reasons why I procrastinated as a child, but for me it was because nobody taught me any other way to do things, and so I simply put off doing everything." Robert, an adult who was a great procrastinator as a child, explained that when he brought home low grades on his homework, his parents tried to "motivate" him by yelling and telling him that he was smart and capable of earning A's and B's. Then they sent him off to do his homework. But he remembers constantly feeling overwhelmed by all the home-work he had to do; he didn't know where to start or how to break it down and do one step at a time.

Catherine wrote a similar story of how her military father would be in a fury over her messy room and would not allow her to go out till she cleaned it. She would stand in the middle of her room feeling helpless and hopeless. So she would pick up a dirty sock, then a blouse that needed to be hung up, then a wad of crumpled paper, then a catcher's mitt, and she'd stand there holding all these items and start to cry because she didn't know what to do next.

Any adult -- not just a parent -- can decide to help a child stop procrastinating. Teachers spend a tremendous amount of their time and energy on procrastinating students. Grandparents, other family members, friends, or neighbors who may be raising or helping to raise children, or giving day care, are also impacted by the despair of dealing with procrastinating kids.

However, you may not be aware of the high price children pay for procrastination in terms of their self-esteem and confidence. They consider themselves losers or feel like giving up. They are often punished by their parents or by school authorities (or both), and may be teased or ridiculed. Children can become downtrodden or depressed because of their procrastination. And there is no question that procrastination keeps a child from fully accomplishing short-term and long-term goals.

When are children procrastinating and when are they simply acting like children? It's normal to occasionally have to remind them to get themselves ready, feed the pet, or do their chores and homework on time. As frustrating as it is to remind the child, if it's only occasional and if the child does what she is supposed to do after being reminded, procrastination is not a serious problem. But children are considered to be procrastinators if they frequently need to be reminded, yet they still don't do what they are supposed to do or they finally do it only after a nightmare of tears, arguments, or some other kind of emotional upheaval.

There is no certain age that is the best time to help a child stop procrastinating. The problems and solutions are remarkably similar for children of all ages; it's the intensity that varies from child to child, from age to age. The five-year-old who dawdles getting ready for school in the morning or the teenager who can't get started on his homework are both wrestling with the same kinds of issues (being unmotivated, feeling overwhelmed, not knowing where to start, and -- sometimes -- taking great delight in pushing some adult's "anger button"), and both respond to similar solutions.

HOW THIS BOOK WILL HELP

This book is not set up according to specific procrastination problems (homework, chores, getting ready for something, taking care of pets), because for both children and adults, a procrastination problem usually involves a mixture of reasons, causes, and solutions.

For example, the teen who puts off sending in his college application might procrastinate because it has become a habit (chapter 1). Or he may not have learned any self-motivating skills (chapter 2); he may feel overwhelmed by all the papers to fill out (chapter 3); he may hate this type of task (chapter 4); or he may feel he doesn't have time (chapter 5). He may be waiting for a whole day free of interruptions so he can do it perfectly (chapter 6), or have some fears and anxieties about going away to college (chapter 7). He might not know where all the forms are because they are scattered all over his desk, bedroom, and locker (chapter 8), and he may be so swamped with other activities that he can't focus on this task (chapter 9).

The book addresses general areas of a child's life and explores reasons children put things off. Specific solutions are given for a wide variety of procrastination problems. In several of the chapters, solutions for you to share with the child are summarized in an acronym, with the first letter of each step spelling out a word. You might want to write these out and post them where the child can easily see them, or communicate them to the child verbally. Some of these concepts could be the springboard to conversations that bring you and the child closer.

CHILDREN HATE HAVING IDEAS FORCED ON THEM

No matter how long it has been since you were a child, no doubt you clearly remember that the more someone shoved an idea at you, the harder you shoved back. We just can't go galloping up to a child, shouting, "You're broke, and I'm going to fix you. Sit down and listen." Forcing anything on a child usually results in arguments, resentment, and rebellion. Instead you will develop techniques to open lines of communication in a helpful, positive, loving way, and not be dictatorial. The aim is not to be too controlling or permissive -- but simply to be firm and kind. Kindness shows respect for the child, and firmness shows respect for what needs to be done.

Timing is also important. If your child is resistant to working on her procrastination, she is likely to be more open to changing when she:

• is discouraged about not being able to get things done;
• has suffered some consequence of putting off a job and realizes that if she had done whatever it was earlier, her life would have been much better or happier; or
• is overwhelmed with too much to do and recognizes that she needs help.

These are ideal times to start talking to her about some of these concepts. If you force these principles and techniques on a child, you not only will meet with resistance and possibly rebellion, but you will fail to help her develop any initiative, organizational skills, or planning skills.

NO SINGLE THEORY OR TECHNIQUE WORKS FOR EVERY CHILD

If you've had any experience with more than one child, you know how a toy or a book might enthrall one child for hours, yet bore the other one to tears. You might run something past two children, and one has a lightbulb flash over her head while the other stands there blinking at you as if you were talking some interplanetary language. Whenever I present seminars on improving parenting skills, the subject of what to do about procrastinating kids arises. Frequently some parents in the seminar have read several books on parenting skills, so I survey them and ask if anyone has come across any books that specifically focus on how to help children stop procrastinating. No one has come up with any yet. I suspect the reason is because it is hard to motivate kids and guide them through the process of changing their attitudes and behavior. One brilliant idea simply will not work for all of them. There is no "quick fix," and there are no guarantees for what works with children. Although this book will offer help, there is no guarantee that it will work for every child.

On the other hand, one dad in a seminar told me that as he works to help his three daughters blast away their procrastination, he is observing tremendous improvement in their self-esteem and self-confidence. This is an exciting "extra" that goes along with helping our children stop procrastinating; research shows that poor self-esteem is frequently one of the major causes of teens choosing a troubled path in life.

CHILDREN DON'T ALWAYS THINK AND ACT THE SAME WAY YOU DO

Let's be honest. Children hardly ever think and act as we do. You might prefer to work in profound silence; your offspring might actually have more success completing homework with loud music blaring. You might prefer doing chores at the end of the day; your child prefers waking up early to complete chores. You might believe that the first thing they need to do when they come home from school is start their homework, but your high-energy youngsters might need to run around and blow off steam for thirty minutes or so before settling down to schoolwork. One child might complete all schoolwork, or chores, or pet care, before dinner, while the other works best after dinner.

As you talk with children, do some brainstorming to help them figure out their best time and "style". Letting them make some of these decisions will help them work with you, not against you.

Of course, if they do their work at their choice of time and circumstances, and the work is completed and well done, no matter how weird their choice is, you have to admit that it works. But if the work is not complete or well done, then the deal's off, and they do it your way.

EXPECT OBSTACLES

Yes, there will be obstacles to your guiding your children toward accepting these ideas.

• They may resent any discussion about changing their habits.
• If they are teens, they may simply resent any discussion. Period.
• It may be hard to get them to sit still.
• They may have the attention span of a flashbulb. Poof. It's over.
• Children are definitely not interested in self-improvement.
• They may not understand the ideas.
• They are not open to anything you have to say.
• You don't have any confidence in yourself, and the whole idea of communicating to your child about procrastination creeps you out.

You're not alone, and you're not weird. All parents have these concerns. Even parents who are professional teachers feel intimidated about presenting to their own children these concepts about how to stop procrastinating. And if nobody taught you these principles when you were little, you have no role model, no example. Relax. As you read the stories of other parents, you'll probably find yourself saying, "Wow, that's just like my child," or "That sounds exactly like our family!"

Once you and your child begin communicating openly about procrastination, your child might ask a question that you don't know the answer to. That's okay. You don't have to be perfect, and you don't have to act perfect in front of your child. Nobody in this world has all the answers.

THE BIG QUESTION

Are you now -- or have you ever been -- a procrastinator? If yes, that's good. Why is it good? If you are or have been a procrastinator, then you can fully understand how your procrastinating child feels -- overwhelmed, distracted, hopeless. And if you are now a procrastinator, you can work together with your child in changing your putting-off habit. You can practice ideas from this book and share these ideas with your children. Tell them about your successes, what works for you; tell them about your failures, what is hard and what does NOT work for you.

This might be a whole new level of communication for you and your children. Our offspring take great delight in hearing us tell about our mistakes and failures; this kind of conversation might actually create a closer bond between you and them.

A recent survey requested advice for parents of procrastinating children. This is what Helena wrote: "My advice is to fix your own procrastination habits, so you can lead your children by example. When you accomplish something on time, and have done it well, tell your children about it! Let them see you feeling proud that your projects are completed before the deadline. Talk to them about how important it is to live now, not 'tomorrow.' This is a precious gift we can give to our children."

FORMING A TEAM

As you absorb the concepts in this book and decide to communicate them to your child, you don't have to create a teacher-student relationship, and you won't have to preach. You and the child are forming a team. Sometimes you will be the coach, giving guidance and encouragement, and once in a while you might send up a cheer or a pat on the back. Sometimes you will work as equal partners, brainstorming a problem or simply telling a story of your own struggle with the same type of situation. Sometimes you and your child might even have fun discussing one of the ideas.

You will come across short, quick, easy steps in sidebars labeled "Tips to Share with Your Child." You may decide to cover each section as you come to it, or take one chapter each week or each month or every so often. When you come to the "Tips" section, you might be thinking, Ah, I know exactly how I'm going to handle this. Other times, you might be stumped.

In that case, at the end of each chapter, there will be a "Teamwork" section for you to fill in for yourself about "Ideas to Discuss" with your child and some "Ideas in Action." You'll notice that this section will summarize the chapter, so you can check off the chapter's concepts and actions you want to cover, and there is room for you to write in your own ideas.

What's the difference between "discussion ideas" and "action ideas"? For example, under the "Discussion" section, you might want to cover what is in the chapter, but you also might want to discuss a character in a TV show that you and your child recently watched, and point out how that character created the problem by putting off a decision or action.

Or you might simply ask her what the word procrastination means to her.

In the "Action" section, you might check off an idea or two from the book, but then you might write something unique to you and that child, for example:

• "Offer to drive to activities more often so we have time to chat."
• If the child is in primary grades or younger: "Make macaroni necklaces with her, and tell her the story of Beth."
• If he is in middle school: "Pull out the jigsaw puzzle that he loves and work on it with him. Bring up the subject of perfectionism."
• For a teenager: "Let her invite Traci over to make taco salads, and while we are all chopping, tell them about my success using a kitchen timer this week."

One suggestion that applies to children of all ages: Pay attention to the whole relationship. You don't want to sacrifice the child's self-esteem or your friendship with her because you want her to do things your way. You'll get lots of ideas in this book. There's likely to be one or more that will make a big difference to your child. Relax and enjoy the journey. You may find that some of the discussions this book generates might even result in a closer relationship. As a bonus, that child will be learning skills that will help her function in a much more happy and successful way as an adult, both professionally and personally.