I was speaking to a group of senior citizens gathered in a community recreation center in Delray Beach, Florida. In the audience there must have been at least two dozen people who had been married for three decades or more. They had seen the full spectrum of relationships -- and heard the full spectrum of relationship advice. After my talk they asked what I was currently working on, and I mentioned I was studying research conclusions on relationships. Now the comments were flying in.

The seniors disagreed about a number of points, but they all nodded yes when one man said, "There's no topic out there with more bad advice. Well, maybe the stock market, but it's up there. Top two, definitely." Stories came forward from couples married forty and fifty years about having been told by friends their marriage wouldn't last six months. Another said her mother told her on her wedding day she didn't think she would be married six weeks later.

"There aren't any songs about young people being encouraged by their friends and family to spend their lives together -- they're all about warnings," one woman said. "It's all how hard and terrible it will be. It will never last. That's because relationships are the one thing everyone is a naysayer about when it comes to everybody else's situation.

"Now, there wouldn't be any relationships if people applied this thinking to themselves. Personally, they have to be optimists. 'Of course things will work out.' But with somebody else, it's always, 'I don't know it will be tough. Are you sure you're ready?' "

While they shared a skepticism about bad advice -- advice that comes from people who are angry at the world or who want someone to commiserate with -- they admitted they were apt to share their own views with their children, grandchildren, and sometimes just about anyone.

But their comments were generally spoken with an air of optimism and promise regarding their own relationships -- an optimism that was in stark contrast to the negative words they heard as younger men and women. Among the points they told me I should include in my book were

While I explained that I would be working from the findings of scientific studies on relationships, the seniors told me I could come back anytime for more of their advice.

The 100 Simple Secrets of Great Relationships presents the conclusions of scientists who have studied the relationships, dating habits, and marriages of millions of people. Each entry presents the core scientific finding, a real-world example of the principle, and the basic advice you should follow to increase satisfaction with your personal life.

As I conducted the research for this book, combing through thousands of reports on relationships, I saw studies confirming many of the ideas the folks at the senior center had shared with me. And while the world around us has changed in innumerable ways since they were married, the core realities of human need for relationships and what humans need from relationships remain. And, in a great comfort to my friends at the senior center, these findings are not pessimistic. The great thrust of the research that has been done, and that I write about here, is completely in keeping with the wisdom of one of the gentlemen at the senior center, who said, "It takes effort. It isn't easy. But anyone can do it. I mean, look at me, for example."

Copyright © 2003 by David Niven, Ph.D.