Anger Mis-management: A Cynic's Guide to American Culture [MultiFormat]
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eBook by Chuck Bordell
eBook Category: Humor
eBook Description: Anger Mis-management was inspired and conceived, out of wedlock, by Bordell's love of comedians such as George Carlin, Dennis Miller and Richard Pryor, and his well-nurtured caustic sense of humor. Bordell dissects (sometimes destroying) topics near and dear to our hearts, including U.S. government, racism, rock music, cloning, reality TV, religion, Bush, criminal athletes, sex education and art, among many others.
eBook Publisher: SynergEbooks, Published: SynergEbooks, 2009
Fictionwise Release Date: August 2009
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What is a cynic? Yeah, I know we can all look it up in a dictionary, but I'm not talking about the official, scholarly definition of a "cynic." If we go by Webster's, everyone in the world is at least a little bit cynical. If you're not, in this day and age, then you're a corn-fed idiot who still believes wars are fought for Mom's Apple Pie and baseball.
No, I want to talk about the real cynics, like the guy who bursts into hysterical laughter every January during the State of the Union Address and needs three lumberjacks to keep him from launching the television into the parking lot. Or the career woman that actually contemplates getting DD implants to help her break through the glass ceiling at the investment firm where she's employed. These people are the cynics I love with all my heart (or at least as much of my heart as I can afford to risk in any emotional entanglement.) These are the wizened souls with the above average intelligence, singed egos and "up yours" attitudes that balance out the world of fools, the world of rubes and simpletons who fall for the Nigerian "20 Million Dollar Currency Exchange" spams and the 100% medically proven penis pumps. Cynics are, essentially, frustrated idealists who have come face to face with the dishonest, hateful, cruel, greedy and/or criminal assholes of the world and found them wanting.
The cynic is usually the last one to realize that his or her view of the universe has become, shall we say, tart, because for the individual the process seems to be a logical, linear progression. It usually starts some time around puberty, when one's natural rebelliousness begins to manifest itself anyway with such heartfelt statements as, "It's my life and I'll do what I want to!" To which one's parents respond, "No you won't, either. Now mow the goddamn lawn." From there it's a straight line to Cynicville.
You first become conscious of The Change when a friend or a relative says, "Man, you're turning into such a smartass!" Smartass? Isn't that an oxymoron? you think to yourself. I thought I was just stating the obvious.
For me personally, it started when I was in grade school and I began to read a lot and to learn a few things for myself, rather than relying on what adults told me, because it had become increasingly obvious that most adults are completely full of shit. I mean, these people taught us that the Emancipation Proclamation freed the slaves, without ever having taught us that there were slaves in the first place. Seemed like a startling omission to me. Selective education. Hey, these guys are holding out on me! It was religion that really got to me though. Things like taking God's name in vain.
"So it's wrong to take God's name in vain?" I'd ask.
"Yes," they'd reply.
"Weird. And some people aren't allowed to eat meat on Fridays?"
"And burning for eternity is punishment for these things?"
"Who came up with these rules, anyway?"
"God himself did."
"This is the same God that Jerry Falwell wants people to send money to?"
"Well, I'm not surprised he's broke."
Hopefully, a true cynic knows how to temper his or her caustic wisdom with humor. People are much more likely to pay attention to you if you manage to amuse them while making your point. Just ask George Carlin or Dennis Miller, the true cynical geniuses of the modern age. I'm sure Voltaire would agree, should we manage to invoke his mocking spirit with our latte stained Ouija boards or Psychic Friends Networks (and if he doesn't agree, fuck him, you're the one paying $4.99 per minute, right?)
You'll discover by the end of this book, if not sooner, that you both hate me and love me, because nothing is sacred to the cynic. If a particular subject deserves to get shredded, it gets well and duly shredded. The secret is that it must deserve the shredding. Only rebellious adolescents rip up everything indiscriminately. The subject must prove itself to be sufficiently ridiculous, arrogant, stupid, pompous, smarmy, ludicrous or unforgivable to be a viable target. But within these parameters, nothing is off limits. I'm sure to say something that completely honks you off, but you know what? Tough shit. Either shut up about it or go write a book, for Christ's sake.