CHAPTER ONE

"Put it in the closet," Nate ordered as Patrick carried another box into the dorm room.

"What closet?" Patrick asked, dropping the box on the ground in the middle of the ten-by-ten cinderblock cell. "You mean that tiny hole in the far wall? My hamster had a bigger cage. Why won't you even think about the frat?"

"Because I'm not fraternity material. I have functioning brain tissue," Nate responded. "Where's Mom?"

I'd been standing just outside the door, listening to them, and feeling a bit melancholy. With a sigh, I dragged the too heavy box full of stuff Nate probably didn't really need into the tiny room my youngest son would call "home" for the next nine months. "I'm here, I'm here. Geesh. What are you two fighting about now?"

"Do you want me to help with that?" Patrick asked.

"Typical guy," I commented. "You ask to help after the job is done." Patrick just laughed at me. The brat.

Nate zipped around the room going from box to box like a bee trying to pick the most succulent flower. "I need to get the bed on stilts or I'll never have enough room."

"It's a dormitory," Patrick countered. "You shouldn't expect to have any room."

"Well, at least I don't have to share it with some drunken preppy who probably slips girls roofies," Nate replied.

I couldn't help but laugh at them. They were twenty-one and eighteen and still fighting like they were both in grade school. My sons hadn't changed a bit. Still as blond as any California surfer, their faces bore that I'm-not-all-grown-up look, dimples and all. But they really weren't children any longer. They had changed in so many ways. That thought instantly brought tears to my eyes. My babies were all grown up. I was going to have to leave Nate behind and drive back to my big empty house all by myself.

Patrick had always been the independent and stubborn one. It didn't frighten me to let him go. School was almost too easy for him, so I knew his grades would be good. He was active in pretty much any organization he could join, and I knew he'd network and meet new people. Patrick would thrive at college. But my Nate? My baby? Who would be there to take care of him?

"Uh oh," Patrick said as he took the two steps necessary to cross the entire room and stare down at me from his six-three world. "Waterworks."

"Ah, Mom," Nate groaned. "Please don't cry."

I sniffled. "Who says I'm crying?" Yeah, like that tack was going to work. I realized it wasn't a highly effective message when I felt a tear sliding down my cheek. I wiped it away with the back of my sleeve.

Patrick put his arm around my shoulder. "Mom's got empty nest syndrome. We learned all about it in psychology class. Women hate it when the last chick flies the coop." He tucked his thumbs in his armpits, flapped his wings, and clucked like a chicken. My son was a smart-ass.

"I don't have empty nest syndrome," I insisted, while secretly wanting to have a long talk with Patrick's psychology professor. The man really needed to learn to mind his own damn business.

Nate rolled his eyes. "Mom, I can take care of myself."

"I don't have empty nest. The room's just ... dusty." I had no idea how I was going to leave my little boy behind. I supposed the fact that my "little boy" stood six-two and out-muscled half of maledom should have impacted my opinion of his ability to be independent, but the mother in me only remembered the little boy who would cry when his older brother wouldn't play with him.

How could such a fragile little creature possibly survive the cold, cruel world? Maybe he should stay home with me for another year or two. He didn't need to be in college. I could home school.

My "fragile little creature" came over and gave me a hug that almost knocked me off my feet. "I'll be fine, Mom."

I sniffled a little more and started to unpack the closest box. It didn't take us long to get Nate set up in his dorm room. Of course, my ex-husband didn't show up until after almost everything was unpacked. It just showed that the apples didn't fall too awfully far from the paternal tree.

"Jackie," David said as he walked in the room and deigned to acknowledge my presence in the universe with a curt nod. "You good?"

I gave him the visual once over, noting how impeccably he was dressed. Not a salt and pepper hair was out of place, and he had that scruffy I'm-too-cool-to-shave look that reminded me of several bad eighties television shows. "I'm fine. And you?"

"Fine."

Eighteen years of marriage, and the only word we ever seemed to exchange regularly was "fine." I figured that was at least a better choice of vocabulary than when we were still together. The only word that popped up then was another word that began with "f." We'd used it as a noun, a verb, an adjective, and an adverb. You name any part of speech; we would have found a way to throw the f-word into the mix.

At least now we could have a civil conversation--as long as we didn't talk about anything other than the boys. I really believed I was lucky. At least my former husband paid the kids' bills and didn't drag the trophy bimbo with him everywhere he went. I only had to see Ashley occasionally, which was a really good thing. I would have hated to scratch her pretty little blue eyes out in front of too many witnesses.

"You all settled in, Nate?" his father asked.

"Yeah, but thanks for coming Dad. Hey, do you want to go get some lunch with us?" my entirely too generous and totally naïve youngest son asked.

"I can't stay that long," my ex replied much to my relief. "Ashley and I are taking Duncan to see his grandparents."

Good God, was it hard not to make a snide remark about David's age making him a more likely candidate to be his new son's grandfather instead of his father. But I was the well-behaved ex-wife who bit her tongue and made nice for her boys. "That's a shame," I finally said.

David shot me one of his patented, incredulous glares, and I gave him one of my fake, patronizing smiles. I hoped he realized that I was tremendously grateful that Duncan and Ashley were probably waiting in his Hummer, so he couldn't join us for a happy family lunch. My heart still clenched when I glanced over and saw how disappointed Nate looked.

Damn it all anyway. I had to constantly remind myself that David might have been a pathetic excuse for a husband, but he would always be the father of my boys. I quickly sucked up my own misgivings. "David, why don't you and Ashley bring Duncan along for lunch. I'm sure it would mean a lot to Nate."

He stared at me as if I had just spoken to him in Mandarin Chinese. He cocked his head like a curious child. "What's gotten into you?"

"Nothing. I just thought it'd be nice for you to spend some time with the boys."

"Really?"

Didn't this man have a single solitary clue how hard I was grinding my teeth together, so I wouldn't make one of my typical smart-ass comments? "Really."

"That's nice, Jackie, but Ash's parents are expecting us."

I added yet another demerit to David's perpetual misconduct column, knowing he had hurt Nate. Turning back to my son, I said, "Well, then it's your choice, Nathaniel. Sky's the limit."

He gave me a weak smile that made me want to smack his father, and then Nate went back to unpacking the last of his boxes.

David crossed the room to slap Nate on the back and say some macho fatherly things that I was sure they didn't want me to overhear. When the word "condom" floated in the air, I excused myself to go see if there were any more boxes to carry up from my mini-van. The notion of my baby needing condoms didn't sit well on my already emotionally overwrought brain. There are simply some things mothers are better off not knowing about their sons.

I wasn't surprised in the least that David's big black phallic-mobile was idling in a handicapped parking spot. Ashley sat in the passenger seat admiring herself in the visor's mirror. Not a long, blond hair was out of place, but she adjusted it anyway. Her face was perfection. The woman really could have been a model. Of course, her figure had instantly returned to its pre-pregnancy state the minute Duncan was born. I was still trying to lose those last few "baby pounds" from giving birth to Nate eighteen years ago. And my hair had always been mousy brown and way too short and baby fine to do anything except just ... lie there.

She flipped the visor closed and caught me staring at her. I actually gave her one of those goofy half-waves. God, I could be so damned lame sometimes. I often wondered exactly what flew through Ashley's mind whenever she saw me. Did she feel any kind of guilt for the nights she stayed late to help David "organize his files" when what she had actually been doing was unzipping his fly? Or did her mind justify her actions in some way? Did she wish I would fade away, so she didn't have to acknowledge that she was wife number two and that wife number three was parked in some junior high school just waiting to finish growing up enough to have her turn at bat?

I had desperately tried not to hate her. I really had. I knew it was poison for me to carry that kind of loathing around. I was entirely aware of this because the marriage counselor had told me so. He even told me that I should have thanked Ashley for showing me that David and I were not really all that compatible. By luring my husband away, she had only revealed the fundamentally unstable foundation upon which my marriage had been based. And he charged us a hundred and fifty freaking dollars an hour for this super-duper advice. So I had really tried not to hate her. But, damn it all, I wanted to hate her anyway.

I didn't see David waltzing up behind me until he started to talk to me. I jumped a good foot, which was pretty phenomenal considering the weight I carry in my caboose.

"Jackie? You okay?"

I nodded.

"I'm sorry we couldn't take you up on the lunch invite. We'll have to do it some other time."

I just nodded again.

"Well, I need to get going."

The asshole actually hugged me. I awkwardly patted his back and then turned him loose. It crossed my mind that it was one of the first times I had stopped hugging before he did. Back in the day, I always squeezed a little bit harder and clung a little bit longer.

Ashley glared down at us from her perch in the huge SUV. I saw the flash of insecurity, and I was petty enough to let myself enjoy it.

The house was like a tomb. I went over to let my cockatiel out of his cage, and he didn't even whistle at me. The boys had taught the little gray bird to wolf-whistle, and Jellybean seemed to condition himself to make that particular sound whenever I walked in the door. It was the closest thing to a compliment on my looks I'd received from any species of male in years. But he didn't whistle at me tonight.

I wondered if Jellybean felt the same type of gloom that had settled over me the minute I drove away from the dorm. I decided that I'd have to leave the TV on for him to listen to when I went to school the next day. I'd hate to have a depressed bird on my hands. My own case of the empty nest blues was hard enough to handle. How odd--an empty nest that still held a bird.

Logic told me that Patrick and Nate were only an hour away, just forty, teeny miles. Yet the house was still like a tomb.

I dropped my purse and keys on the table and let my eyes wander for a minute. The bottom floor of my Cape Cod was mostly one big open area. The kitchen and the great room were joined, and during the time my boys were growing up, the joint was jumping. Between raising Patrick and Nate and the litany of friends that drifted in and out of my home, there had been very few quiet moments.

As my gaze flitted about the room, I noticed that the place was spotless. The afghan over the sofa was folded neatly. The only pairs of shoes piled by the door belonged to me. The size thirteen and fourteen Nikes had all been packed away as they followed their owners to Indiana University. No Sports Illustrated swimsuit issues were strewn on the floor. The discarded food wrappers that couldn't seem to find their way to the trash, unless a female took the initiative to move them, were absent. There was no blaring stereo, television, or iPod, just a home that was too neat and too silent. Tears welled up in my eyes again.

I remembered some days just wishing for a few moments of peace and quiet, so I could gather my own thoughts and catch my breath. All I really wanted was a short respite from the bustling world of raising two boisterous boys--three if you counted David. A hard lesson, but I was learning to be careful what I wished for.