April 1866

Andrew Hastings sat alone on the porch, much as he had every day for the past two months, still deep in his world of loneliness and grief. It hit him that the days kept coming while the nights grew longer and lonelier. Unable to stop mourning her passing, his grief took over more of his life than he wanted. The time seemed endless.

Adam Cole worried about his friend. He went downstairs after giving Ty and Tori their monthly check-ups and saw Andrew sitting on the porch rocking, his mind off somewhere else. He tried making some noise so he wouldn't startle his friend.

"Andrew..."

"What, Adam?"

"Just thought you'd like to know the twins are doing fine. No problems at all."

"That's fine, Adam," he said absently, obviously distracted.

"Should I leave?"

"I don't care. No! I don't know!"

Adam could see Andrew sat on the verge of breaking down and losing to his feelings of devastating loss.

"Do you want to talk?"

"Why? You, of all people, know I'm nothing without her. I feel like I died that day as well."

"And what did she tell you?"

"What?"

"She told you to go on and live life to the fullest. Jessie would hate seeing you like this knowing her death caused you pain. In fact, if she could, I think she'd kick your sorry ass for the way you have been acting of late. You have four kids dying for your attention. Jack's been running the stock on his own and is afraid he may have lost your friendship."

"Why?"

"You haven't said two words to him in the past few weeks, Andrew. Randolph said you haven't been by to get the mail lately and it's backing up to the point he's threatening to charge room rates until you pick it up," he told him, trying to make a joke. "Caitlyn wrote me saying you haven't answered any of her letters. She needs to talk to you!"

"Why?"

"You know why. You need to help her understand what's happened."

"How can I when I don't?" Andrew asked, furiously.

"Thank God! Emotion!"

Andrew looked at him, wondering what he meant.

"It's about time you came back to us."

Andrew looked at him, his sapphire blue eyes dark with rage. How can he talk to me this way? He finally realized Adam meant to be his friend, his Devil's Advocate of years before.

"I've been a jerk, haven't I?"

"No. You're a man, deeply in love with his wife who now has a chance to be at peace if you let her."

"What do you mean?"

"Live, Andrew. Raise the kids, run the ranch, travel to see Chamberlain, even go to..."

"Where?"

"The contessa's ranch and help her out."

"But, Adam..."

"I'll go with you, if you want. Jack already said he'd watch the ranch and the kids. Besides, I want to meet the guy who mistreated my best patient." Andrew looked at him. "Trust me, it'll do you good to get away from here. You'll come back, ready to take on your life again."

Andrew looked at Adam. Thank God for friends. For a man whose reputation had been cool under fire and for having a good, level head, he acted anything but, though Adam and Jack had stuck by him, no matter what, and here he sat acting like a total bastard.

"I'll be back." Andrew got up, went down the steps and headed to the barn. He stopped and turned to Adam. "Two things ... First: thanks and second: where's Jack?"

"If he's not in the barn, he'll be down in the lower pasture. Seems one of the cows is ready to calf."

"I know which one. Thanks."

Adam watched Andrew head toward the barn. The horses grazed in their paddocks after being put out earlier to enjoy the spring morning. Satan and Intimidator both approached him, a section of fencing separating them. Having not ridden since shortly after the funeral, he rubbed their necks and apologized for being away. He led his white stallion out of the gate and saddled him.

The custom-made saddle had arrived a few months back, being late due to the silver work he'd ordered. A perfect fit, he cinched it and mounted up. Riding out of the barn, he decided to cut time and go through the meadows.

"Ready?"

He circled around and, after gaining speed, Intimidator took the jump like it'd been nothing.

Watching from the porch, Adam marveled at the beauty of horse and rider, knowing he'd made the right decision when he gave Andrew the magnificent steed.

Andrew praised the horse, patting and stroking his neck. Together they rode hard to get to the outer forty acres where the stock had been the past month. No one knew Andrew had been in the office late into the night, keeping up with the goings-on and the dealings of the ranch.

He'd made notes on various things including telling Jack to buy the property next to them when it went up for sale. He knew Jack would handle it and all he'd have to worry about would be signing the final papers. Andrew knew the decision to partner with him had been sound and Jack had never let him down. Now he raced to heal a wound he'd caused and hoped he wouldn't be too late.

Andrew felt better than he had since Jessie's death. The wind in his face seemed to be some sort of cure, but then riding had always done that for him. He spurred the horse a little, Intimidator at full gallop. They came upon a felled tree and cleared it then the fence for the field he wanted.

Jack sat on a boulder while Callie grazed a few feet away. He heard the thundering beats of the approaching horse, looking toward the sound surprised to see Andrew. He looked back at the herd, unsure of the moment.

Andrew slowed Intimidator to give him a chance to catch his breath and start easing up. He came to a stop before the man closer to him than any brother could've ever been. Sitting astride the horse, he looked at Jack with the knowledge of how much he must be hurting over her passing but even more so at the way Andrew had treated him.

An uneasy silence settled between the two men.

"I owe you one hell of an apology, Jack. You've been doing a fantastic job for me and I've been told I haven't said more than two words to you in the last month. I know what you've been doing and I thank you for it. I'll sign the papers on the acreage when we go back."

Jack kept looking ahead, afraid to look at his friend.

"Adam told me I've been a rotten bastard. Jack, I am so very sorry and I'm deeply indebted to you. Talk to me, hit me, do something!"

Jack stood up, turned and looked at Andrew, sadness in his eyes. He looked away again and sat down. Andrew dismounted and went over to sit next to him.

"You know my background from Philadelphia. You know you are my only family. The last month, you've made me feel like the first day I ever met you. You've been so rapt up in your grief for Jessie that you ignored the rest of us. I realize how much you loved her. Hell, we all did but you've got to..."

"Jack, I know. That's why I came out here."

"What?"

"I'm sorry I've been consumed in grief. It may take a while to get out of this, I don't know. You know as well as anyone how much she meant to me. You know more about my history than anyone save Adam. Hell, you two know more about me than even Jessie did. Jack, I don't know what to say. I'm sorry. I owe you so much and had no right to treat any of you the way I have been. I can't help it. My life is over!"

"No, it isn't! You've got four little ones who need you. Jessie died trusting you to take care of them. I'm depending on you to run the ranch and..."

"I get the point. I have one question though."

"And..."

"Can you forgive me? If you don't, I guess I'll understand..."

"Of course, General Hastings," he said, extending his hand to his friend. They shook.

"My God, he's getting formal with me again," Andrew said before laughing, the first time in a long while he'd let himself relax enough to actually laugh and, surprisingly, it felt good. He actually noticed the sun shining and the beautiful day.

Jack checked the herd and found the cow he'd been keeping an eye on ready to give birth. She acted odd though and he guessed she might be in distress.

"Want to help with the calf, boss?"

"Let's go!"

Andrew got a rope from his saddle and joined Jack. The calf had started coming out but became stuck. They tied the rope around the calf's hooves with the other end attached to the horn on the saddle. Intimidator stood the rope holding it taut. They pulled some, helping the calf's birth. Finally, the newborn had been delivered, now taken care of by its mother. It tried to stand up a bit later and, though wobbly, it did.

Andrew grinned, happy as warmth ran through him. He'd helped bring this new life into being and couldn't describe the feelings going through him. Is my life beginning again? Is this a sign from my Angel?

"Andrew, are you all right?" Jack asked.

"Better than you know. Trust me," he answered, grinning. "Come on, let's go get something to eat."

Jack knew Andrew, while not quite one hundred percent, could start to go on with his life now and help with Sarah, John, Tori and Ty. Now, the rest of them could get on with their own lives. He looked up to the sky, saying a quiet Thank you.

Andrew retrieved his rope and replaced it on his saddle then mounted Intimidator to wait for Jack. Jack mounted Callie and the two of them rode back to the upper meadow.

"You've done a hell of a job in the last month or two. Thanks!"

"Not a problem. You said you're ready to sign the papers on the other property?"

"Anytime now."

"Good."

"Question? How well does Callie jump?"

"I don't think as well as Intimidator."

"Let's see," Andrew said, Jack amazed at Andrew's complete turnaround. They took off and while Callie didn't jump as well as Intimidator, she held her own. They ran up the field to the meadow, cleared the last fence and then slowed to let the horses ease into a slower gait. Once back at the barn, they removed the saddles and put them on the rack in the tack room.

Andrew looked at her saddle, a twin to Satan's and felt an emptiness from knowing they would never ride together again. He looked over at Duchess and figured exactly how he'd handle his next task.

"Jack, could you saddle Duchess and Satan?"

"Sure, why?"

"You'll see." Andrew left Jack wondering what might be going through his mind. Jack saddled the two and brought them up to the house.

Andrew entered the house and headed straight upstairs to his daughter's room. Sarah sat by the window playing with the doll he'd gotten her in Austin. He went over to sit on the floor next to her.

"Hey, Sam."

"Hi," she quietly said, afraid to look up. In her own way, she feared she might be dreaming. She hadn't had her father's attention for a very long time.

"Sam, it's okay. You can look at me."

"Daddy?"

"I'm here!"

He held out his arms to her and she went to him. She'd wanted this more than anything and now her father held her again. His little girl had grown old enough to know something had happened while too young to understand everything that'd gone on.

Andrew held her close, hugging and kissing her then tried to explain things and reassure her he'd be there for her if she needed him.

"I love you, Daddy!"

"I love you too, my little Angel. Come here, I have a surprise for you."

"What?" she asked, her eyes sparkling.

"You'll see." He led her out of the house to where Jack waited with Satan and Duchess then helped her mount up as Jack watched.

"Does my daughter know how to ride, I wonder?"

"Yes, Daddy. I do!"

"Show me, then," Andrew said as he mounted Satan.

"But, Daddy..."

"Show me you can ride, Sam."

With a slight hesitation, she urged Duchess to a gentle gait. Andrew followed her, proud of his daughter. She urged her mother's horse to go faster, Satan keeping pace. By the time they stopped, Andrew found she'd led him to the overlook.

"Sam, are you all right?" he asked as they dismounted.

"Yes, Daddy, I wanted to see her grave. I miss her so much!" She picked some wildflowers and placed them at the base of the headstone.

"So do I. I'm sorry I've not been the father you've needed since she died. I had trouble handling her not being with me so I just shut everyone around me out of my life. Can you forgive me?"

She went to him, hugging him.

"I love you, Daddy!"

"Remember I mentioned a surprise?" She nodded, her eyes sparkling. "What would you say if I said Duchess is yours?"

"Mine?"

"I think your mama would like that. You'll have to take care of her but I think you can handle it."

"Thank you, Daddy! I promise I will!" She hugged him again.

"Why don't you keep the saddle as well?"

His daughter grinned and promised she would take care of both her new treasures.

He helped her back into the saddle and she hugged him before starting to rub Duchess' neck, the horse loving the attention.

"Go ahead and start back and I'll be right behind you."

She smiled, urging her horse on.

He watched Sarah leave him, looking at a very mature five-year-old. She had grown so much in the past month and he realized he'd been part of the reason.

Andrew turned back to his wife's grave. He hadn't been back since the day of the second funeral service when he'd sunk into a tailspin after finding the cottage and facing their empty, lonely house.

"I'm sorry, Angel! I haven't been a very good father or friend. I couldn't handle your leaving me, at least until today. I hope you don't mind Sam having Duchess now but it seems right. I hope I've started to repair some of the damage I've caused. At least, Jack and I have straightened things out, I hope."

He took another deep breath.

"I found the cottage. You really did it up beautifully. I'm sorry we never got the chance to enjoy it together as you wanted. I've been there once or twice since I found it. Somehow, I feel close to you at that place, like I feel now."

He paused a moment and went on.

"I'd better catch up with our daughter. I love you, Angel!" Wiping tears from his eyes, he put his hat back on and mounted Satan. He and Satan took off to catch up with Sarah. They rode back to the house where Jack met them and took the reins of both horses.

"Are you all right?"

"Let's put it this way. I'm better but I'll never be all right. Where's Adam?"

"He went into town. Said something about saving you rent?"

Andrew snickered and explained the meaning of his friend's words.

"Your father-in-law is threatening to charge me for keeping all my mail. It seems to have spent the last few weeks piling up. I owe him an apology."

"No, you don't. He understands more than you know. He went the same route you have when Heather's mother died. He's offered to help in any way he can, if you want him to."

"Maybe I'll take him up on his offer."

"What's next?"

"I've got to talk to John and see the twins. Let me know when Adam gets back."

"Sure, boss!"

Andrew smiled at this.

"You don't know how good that sounds. Thanks for being my friend, Jack."

"I told you, you're the brother I never had. Besides, I figured if anyone got to beat you up over the way you've been acting, Adam's the best one to do it."

"You're right on that." Andrew excused himself and went upstairs while Sarah remained downstairs with Jack. He found Rachel with the twins and John lying on his bed.

"John, what's up?"

His son looked at him, jumped down from the bed and ran to his father's waiting arms. Andrew picked him up and hugged him, holding him tight.

"How's my son doing?"

"Good!" he answered, smiling.

Andrew did his best to try to make his son feel safe and secure. Andrew knew at John's young age, he didn't understand the reasons why his mother had gone with the angels. Andrew looked back on his own life to help him and the rest of them get through it all. He picked his son up again and took him over to the window and, as they looked out at the horses, Andrew told John some of what had happened to him when he first did reports.

He told his son different happenings and about different men and places plus other things he saw while moving to the rocking chair. Sitting down, he rocked and John quickly fell asleep. He held his son, kissing his forehead. Andrew wondered how he'd been so fortunate to be blessed with four wonderful children. Did I ever tell Jessie how much they mean to me?

Cautiously getting up, he took John over to his bed and covered him then pulled the drapes a little, dimming the bright sunlight slightly. Next, he went to the nursery.

Rachel saw him come in and stared at him, this the first time he had been to see the twins since the death of his wife or so she thought.

"Andrew, how are you?"

"Better but I still have a long way to go. From what I've seen, you've done a hell of a job for me and I'm very appreciative for everything. I apologize for my actions and I hope to do more than I've done the past two months."

"There's no need to apologize. It's just really good to see you like this. Have you seen..."

"Sarah? Yes, in fact, she'll tell you I've given her Jessie's mare. I just rocked John to sleep so you don't have to worry about his nap this afternoon--now for these two. Just to let you know, I've checked on these two precious ones every night. I've held them when they cried and rocked them back to sleep." She looked at him, puzzled. "I guess because they're too young to ask me any questions, I felt safe."

"I think I understand," she said.

"Why don't you take a break?"

"You're sure?"

"Very."

Rachel left them, happy to see life back in his eyes. The sparkle had returned to the darkness of the blue sapphire as it seemed their brilliance had turned to onyx since Jessie died but now Rachel saw a glimmer.

Rachel met up with Jack downstairs. He looked at her, questions in his eyes. She smiled and noticed Jack relax some.

"Pacing again?"

"How did you know?" he asked.

"I think I've known y'all long enough, don't you?"

"How is he?"

"He's getting back to some normalcy. He's with Tori and Ty now. He told me he's been with them at night, taking care of them. That explains why I've been sleeping through the night. He explained it's been easier with them because of their age."

"He's been in the office at night, too. I mean, he knows everything that's been going on and approved buying the other acreage. He hasn't wanted to deal with any of us because of the pain. I think I finally understand."

"Understand what?" the voice from the stairs asked.

"Why you've been the way you have."

"Until Adam laid down the law to me, I guess I found it easier than dealing with everyone trying to get me to talk about it. It's hard, it always will be but I think it's time to do what Jessie told me to do and go on with my life."

"That's the best news I've heard all day!" Adam said, coming in the front door.

Andrew went over to him, grabbing his hand and shaking it. He apologized to his friend as well.

"Why didn't you do it sooner?"

"I'd hoped you'd pull yourself out of it on your own, but isn't that what your Devil's Advocate is supposed to do?"

Andrew nodded.

"I don't know what I'd do without all of you. Thanks again, my friends." He looked at Adam and the large bag in his hands. "What's that or shouldn't I ask?"

"Your mail!"

Andrew's mouth dropped open.

"You've got to be kidding! I know you said Randolph wanted to charge me rent but I didn't realize how serious you'd been."

"You're lucky, most of it is condolences. I tried to separate them for you. The important stuff is in my pocket."

Andrew took the bag, opened it and dropped its contents onto the dining table. Adam handed him the envelopes and messages he thought Andrew would want to answer personally.

"I can help you go through some of this if you'd like, Andrew," Rachel offered.

"Thanks, I'll need the help."

"I'll get Heather to help, too," Jack offered, Andrew accepting.

He looked through the ones separated out for him and shook his head, tears coming to his eyes.

"I had no idea..."

"Why don't we take care of these while you take those in the living room or wherever?"

"Sounds good. I'll be in the office then." Andrew went back to his desk and carefully moved everything around. He took paper out, knowing full well Adam had given him the ones he, and no one else, could answer.

The first one came from Caitlyn. He realized Adam had put them in the order of importance and figured hers would be the hardest to deal with.

My dearest Andrew,

I am so sorry about Jessie's passing. You know how we felt about each other and I feel a major part of me died as well. I have always known and been elated she found in you the man she had always dreamed of. Mother and I agreed you two had been meant for each other. Besides, any man who could win not only my sister but our father over as quickly as you did had been, is and always will be special.

Someday, when you feel able to talk about what happened, please talk to me. Jessie never elaborated on what went on the night that horrid man came after the two of you but I need to know something about it. One thing she did tell me to make sure of--and this she wrote in the last few days of her life when she evidently knew what would happen--had been for you to get on with your life. She made me promise I would support you in anything you did, even if you chose to remarry. In her heart, she only wanted you to be happy.

I know how the two of you had become soul mates and felt each other's feelings. If you find someone who gives you even a fraction of the happiness you and my sister shared, then, with my blessings, you hold onto her. Just remember, you are my brother. I never considered you as anything but and you will always be welcomed in my home as I'm sure you have the same feelings.

My congratulations on the birth of Tori and Ty. They will help you through this more than you can imagine. If you need someone to watch over them, please let me know. I love my nieces and nephews and I want them to know their cousins.

Please let me know if I can be of any help!

My love always,

Caitlyn

By the time Andrew finished reading the letter, he'd been weeping. He took his glasses off and looked at Jessie's portrait. Even in death, she looked out for him--so damned organized about everything dealing with her death, her funeral, her family, her husband.

Replacing his glasses, he wrote to Caitlyn and apologized for not answering her beautiful letter earlier but he'd just begun to come to grips with his wife's passing.

Life has not been the same. I've just started, this very day, to regain my life without her. I don't know if I'll ever be able to talk about that night for as much as I try to block it out or bury it in some deep recess of my mind, it still haunts me.

Rest assured our family will always be close and our children will know their cousins, you and Jason. I want them to know their mother before she came into my life and only you can give them that gift.

Andrew wrote more, looked at the letter again, folded it and put it into an envelope he then addressed. Putting it aside, he went to the next one. Andrew looked at letters sending the condolences of several generals he'd been acquainted with. These he put aside having read them, feeling no need to respond to them.

Two remained, Andrew placing them in front of him on the desk, trying to decide which one to open first. Closing his eyes, he sat back and thought. He reached out picking one and opened it.

My dear friend,

My deepest sympathies to you, your family, Jack and Adam. Knowing how close the four of you are, I can only imagine how hard this is on all of you as well as your children.

If I may say so, I consider it an extreme pleasure and an enormous privilege to have known her. Words cannot begin to describe the depth of my feelings for you both and her death leaves a huge hole in my heart.

When you are ready, come see me. There are many things we need to discuss. If, in the meantime, there is anything that I can do for you, do not hesitate to call.

Sincerely,

U. S. Grant

P.S. Congratulations on your new arrivals.

Andrew smiled at this. Grant never ceased to amaze him. He felt close to him, as he would a father because Grant always treated him as a son or someone close. He wrote the following:

To my dear friend,

My appreciation for your sympathies and my sincere and deepest apologies for not responding sooner. Needless to say, I have not been in my right mind these past few weeks and seemed to have left many things ignored. As you can probably tell, I put a lot on Jack's shoulders which I should not have but thank God, he's here!

My friend, I feel I can be honest with you but I let my two oldest go their way almost to the point of ignoring them even though the twins mysteriously took care of themselves in the wee hours of the mornings. I could deal with Tori and Ty--I guess because they didn't demand any explanations like Sarah and John and some others.

It came to the point where I kept up on what Jack did with the farm by going over it at night when everyone with sense slept. In essence, I lived my life opposite of everyone else's so I would not have to deal with anyone. Sir, in all honesty, my life--to me--is over even though I know Jessie didn't want it that way at all.

I will be very honored to meet with you after I get some more things in my life straightened out. I appreciate our close friendship and look forward to meeting with you.

Yours in service,

Andrew

PS Thanks again, friend.

Well, two down, one to go!

Andrew sealed the letter to Grant, put it with Caitlyn's and picked up the last letter, one Andrew dreaded reading only because of the close friendship he shared with the writer.

Andrew,

How can I begin to tell you my sorrow upon hearing of Jessie's death. I could not believe it when I read the news from Jack McCord. He did tell me of the joyous news of your son and daughter's births and with this comes my heartfelt congratulations.

When you feel you're up to dealing with life and if you need someone to talk with, I'm here at your service even if you just want a sounding board. You know I listen well. I don't know what else I can say.

I'll wait to hear from you.

JLC

Again, Andrew thought some before answering Chamberlain's letter, writing almost the same to him as he had Grant. Outside of Jack and Adam, he knew Grant and Chamberlain understood him. It would be because of them he'd make it through the loss of his Angel.

Andrew picked up the letters, walked out of the office and down the hall to the living room and into the dining room. He found everyone still around the table going through the pile of letters. He joined them after putting the ones he held in his hand on the buffet to be mailed.

"Before I forget, did anyone contact Agatha?"

"I did. She sends her sympathies and looks forward to seeing all of us in Baltimore the next time we get into town. She also sends her love and congratulations for the twins."

Andrew smiled, adoring Aggie, a woman who loved him like a son.

"Good. Thanks, Adam." Looking at the pile, he shook his head in disbelief. "Who are all these from?"

"Various officers, friends of hers and the Templeton family, people in Winston, others."

"Amazing. And I've been acting like an S.O.B. I'm sorry."

"Don't be. We understand and, after all, we went through our own grieving."

"Adam, when you get the chance, we need to talk about the trip to the mission."

"Sure. Let's do it now." They went outside where Andrew sat on the rail with his back against the post. He felt better but still he knew he had a long, long way to go.