Thaddeus Flint stopped two of the alien crewmen as they hauled the rectangular slab of granite down the cargo ship's gangplank.
"What the hell is that supposed to be?" he demanded.
"Check the manifest," was the bored reply, filtered through a translating mechanism.
"Just lay the damned thing down and let me take a look at it."
They shrugged and did as he ordered, and he stood, hands on hips, cigarette dangling from his lips, staring at it.
"Strictly speaking," commented Flint dryly, "he was a son of a bear."
The two crewmen stared at him blankly.
"Don't know what I'm talking about, do you?" he said.
"No, sir."
He sighed. "Well, why the hell should I expect a pink lizard with a goiter condition to know what a bear is?" he muttered. He turned his eyes to the distant horizon, found a moon that didn't belong there, looked up, and spotted six more of varying sizes and colors.
"What the hell kind of a world has seven moons out at noon?" he asked.
"This is Girodus II," said one of the crewmen.
"Spare me the details," said Flint sardonically. He took a salt tablet to help him cope with the heat and humidity, and an adrenaline capsule to ease the feeling of strain caused by the planet's somewhat higher gravity. Now, he thought, if only I could take a pill to get rid of idiot cargo hands, alien tank towns, brown grass and yellow water and too goddamned many moons....
He turned back to the unloading area and looked around until he saw a tall, cadaverous, hairless being with blue skin, orange eyes, and oddly jointed limbs.
"Mr. Ahasuerus!" he bellowed.
"Yes, Mr. Flint?" said the blue man, walking over.
"What's the story on this thing?" asked Flint, gesturing toward the headstone.
"Ah! It arrived!" said Mr. Ahasuerus happily.
"Yes, it arrived," repeated Flint. "My Ferris wheel didn't arrive. My replacement part for the cotton candy machine didn't arrive. But someone, somewhere, has seen fit to send The Ahasuerus and Flint Traveling Carnival and Sideshow a goddamned tombstone for a dead animal. You wouldn't happen to know why, would you?"
"Bruno was the last of the original animals from Earth," replied the blue man. "It seemed a fitting memorial."
"It did, did it?"
"Yes," said the blue man, nodding. "Mr. Monk himself suggested the inscription after explaining that such memorials are common on Earth."
"Did Mr. Monk also explain that such memorials, on those very rare occasions when they are given to animals, are placed on the grave of the deceased, and that the fucking bear is buried three hundred light-years from here?"
"No," admitted Mr. Ahasuerus, looking distressed. "No, he didn't."
"Figures," muttered Flint. "Where is he?"
"Waiting for his new animals, I should imagine."
"Well, let's hope this batch is better than the last. By the way, how much did that piece of rock set us back?"
"Three thousand credits," replied the blue man.
"I don't know from credits. How much is that in American money?"
"You really should make some effort to learn those conversion tables I made up for you."
"Skip the lecture," said Flint. "How much?"
"About twenty-four hundred dollars," replied Mr. Ahasuerus. "Of course, that's 1982 Constant dollars. I have no idea what inflation may have done to--"
"Twenty-four hundred dollars?" yelled Flint. "You tell Monk that it's coming out of his pay!" He snuffed out his cigarette and lit another one. "Jesus H. Christ! I spend the better part of two years turning this show into a paying proposition, and the second I turn my back you start okaying money for tombstones!"
"We can afford it," said Mr. Ahasuerus calmly.
"Pull a couple more stunts like this and I'll bet we can even afford a matching one for a bald blue skeleton," said Flint. He paused for a moment and emitted a deep sigh. "Look, I don't mean to lose my temper with you. But after two years you ought to know that all carnies are liars."
"Including you?" asked Mr. Ahasuerus, pulling his lips back from his teeth in his equivalent of a smile.
"Including me. But I'm selective about it: I just lie to the marks. Monk and the rest, they'll lie to anyone." He looked down at the granite marker again.
"Oh, well, see if there's anything resembling a graveyard around here and plant it."
"And if not?"
"Dump it into Monk's room and let him worry about it."
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