Introduction
breaking the silence code
(by Stephen Arterburn)
There's a time-honored code that almost every male I've known has followed. I'm positive that my father and my brothers followed what I call the "Sexual Code of Silence." The code states that it's okay to joke about sex or even lie about it, but other than that, it's your solemn duty -- as a male -- to keep silent whenever a serious discussion about sex takes place.
Since everyone is determined not to talk about this, or maybe is embarrassed to do so, you probably don't have a clear picture of what healthy sex is all about. In fact, you're probably thinking that some very wonderful things are not normal and that some very normal things are pretty weird. That's one of the reasons we wanted to write this book for you. We wanted you to have accurate information about a wonderful subject that's prone to misinformation and ignorance. You're a sexual being and deserve to know what's right and true about your sexuality so you can have the greatest chance possible for a fantastic sexual relationship with the person you marry.
It's sad that in the Christian community, where we have access to God's truth, we operate with so many lies and myths about sex. Some teens and young men with a low sex drive think they're not real men, when in reality they may have a chemical or hormonal variance that lowers the drive. Some teens and young men with a strong sex drive may view themselves as slightly crazy and in need of major help to squelch their urges.
You may be vacillating between those two extremes, especially if you're in the middle of your adolescent years. Because your body is in a constant state of growth, you feel driven one minute and almost asexual the next. Don't let this concern you. You're right on schedule, and everything you're experiencing is normal.
One of the most difficult assignments you'll ever have is to integrate your sexuality with the emotional, spiritual, social, and relational person you want to be. Many have the tendency to see their sexuality as something shamefully separate and distinct from themselves, but that shouldn't be the case at all.
Let me illustrate by using a good old hypocrite as an example. You probably know some people who are very religious when they go to church on Sunday, but you'd never know they were Christians by the way they act during the rest of the week. Sure, they say all the right words and go through the right motions on Sunday, but that part of their lives is reserved for Sunday. Come Monday morning, they sound more like they went to hell on Sunday rather than church. Those people haven't fully integrated their spiritual life with the rest of their lives.
The same could happen to you in the area of sexuality. This is an area you want to fully integrate with your Christian walk. When you do, you'll have a much healthier outlook regarding relationships with the opposite sex, premarital sex, and even what your marital relationship will be like in bed.
I have a friend whose son turned twelve a couple of years ago. He's a great dad, and he has a great kid. When the boy turned twelve, it's as if the spigot labeled Hormones was turned wide open. Stuff was happening inside his body, but he didn't understand why he was experiencing certain feelings. All he knew was that he had some urges that were difficult to control. The young boy then did a very courageous thing. He approached his father and said, "Dad, I just feel like taking off my clothes and standing in front of a girl naked."
That was an honest expression of feelings and an accurate description of what it felt like to be a twelve-year-old boy. The fact that he could comfortably talk with his father about his feelings indicated that he wanted some answers to what was happening to him. All of us would benefit from a similar attitude.
In fact, attitude is everything when it comes to winning the battle for sexual integrity. If there's a single Bible verse that captures God's standard for sexual purity, this is it: "But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity" (Ephesians 5:3).
For teens and young adults, this is a scary verse that prompts more questions. What does a "hint" mean? How far can I go with a girl when we're alone? How far can I go with myself when I'm alone? Is masturbation okay?
These are great questions, and we'll answer them straight up. That's why you're going to find Every Young Man's Battle to be the most honest and forthright resource on teen and young adult sexuality out there.
Ready to get started? So are we. We're going to begin by letting Fred tell you his story and, as we say in Texas, it's a humdinger.
Copyright © 2002 by Stephen Arterburn, Fred Stoeker, and Mike Yorkey
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In this world you're surrounded by sexual images that open the door to temptation. They're everywhere--on TV, billboards, magazines, music, the internet--and so easy to access that it sometimes feels impossible to escape their clutches. Yet God expects his children to be sexually pure. So how can you survive the relentless battle against temptation? Here's powerful ammunition. Steve Arterburn and Fred Stoeker, the authors of the hard-hitting best-seller Every Man's Battle, now focus on the temptations young single Christian men like you face every day--and they offer workable, biblical strategies for achieving sexual purity. The authors examine the standard of Ephesians 5:3--"there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality"--in a positive and sensitive light. And they explain how an authentic, vibrant relationship with Jesus Christ is the key to victory over temptation. Every Young Man's Battle will show you how to train your eyes and your mind, how to clean up your thought life, and how to develop a realistic battle plan for remaining pure in today's sexually soaked culture. As a result, you'll experience hope--real hope--for living a strong, pure life God's way.
