People often ask me: "Dave, what is the best thing about being a professional humor columnist?

I always answer: "The best thing is that I can help others and make the world a better place."

Then everybody has a hearty laugh, because of course, I am lying. In fact, that's one of the great things about being a humor columnist: You can lie! You get PAID to lie! What other profession can say that?

OK, lawyers. But they have to wear suits. Whereas we humor columnists can wear whatever we want. We could report to work in a giant squirrel costume, and our employers would not question it. They might even be impressed by it, and remark upon it positively in our annual Job Performance Review. ("Shows good initiative. Came to work in squirrel costume.")

When you are a professional humor columnist, people cut you a large amount of slack. I have an office at The Miami Herald, a serious, major metropolitan newspaper. Here are some of the items that I keep in that office:

-- A six-foot-tall plastic-foam model of a bear (named "Bob");
-- A plastic bag containing the preserved reproductive system of an actual cow (named "Bossy");
-- A huge mutant corn-flake wad in a display case;
-- A reproduction of Leonardo da Vinci's painting The Last Supper, with a clock in it;
-- A rubber chicken wearing underpants;
-- An electronic gun that can make a burping noise, a puking noise, a farting noise, and all three noises combined;
-- An extensive collection of beers, including Old Jock Strong Ale, Bone Beer, St. George Lager ("Traditional Ethiopian Flavor"), Louie's Evil Lager, and Blade Beer ("Official Brew of the World Famous Lawn Rangers from Amazing Arcola, Ill.");
-- Two cans of "Potted Meat Food Product," each at least 10 years old;
-- A picture of a man lifting 350 pounds with his private parts;

... and much, much more. And guess what? Nobody thinks it's odd that I have these items in my office. Because it's not odd. These are all work-related items. I obtained every one of them in the course of doing my job as a professional humor columnist. They are the Tools of My Trade!

My point is that I have a wonderful job. It's WAY better than other so-called "prestige" jobs, such as neurosurgeon or president of the United States. Don't believe me? Let's compare the key elements of the three professions:

Neurosurgeon
President of United states
Humor Columnist

No
Only on special occasions
Yes

Drilling into skull of live human
Maintaining delicate balance of peace in world
Working phrase "weasel boogers" into column

Brains squirt onto your shoes
Nuclear war wipes out civilization
Phrase "weasel boogers" fails to appear in column

Can save a life
Can truly make the world a better place for millions of people
Can drink beer on job

So the facts are clear: By any objective standard of measurement, there is no better profession than humor columnist. That is why so many people want my job. It looks so easy! In fact, as you read the columns in this book, you may find yourself thinking: "Hey, I could do this. Any random person could do this!"

That is where you are wrong, my friend. It takes a very special kind of random person to be a humor columnist. Every year, hundreds of thousands of people try their hand at this demanding profession. After a few months, almost all of them have given up and gone back to the ninth grade.

Do you think you could do this job? Do you have what it takes to be a truly professional humor columnist? To find out, take the following multiple-choice quiz:

1. The part of the newspaper that you turn to first is:

 (a) The front page.
 (b) The editorial page.
 (c) The page that says what time The Simpsons is on.

2. The primary purpose of a newspaper column is to:

 (a) Inform the readers about all sides of important issues.
 (b) Change readers' minds through reasoned argument.
 (c) Contain the phrase "weasel boogers."

3. What is the best resource to consult when confirming a fact?

 (a) The encyclopedia.
 (b) The Internet.
 (c) Confirming a what?

4. As a journalist, you should always carry a notepad because it enables you to:

 (a) Accurately recall conversations and events.
 (b) Maintain a record of your research.
 (c) Remove food wads trapped between your teeth.

5. If you were given the opportunity to ask one question of the Pope, what would that question be?

 (a) "What do you hope will be your legacy to future generations?"
 (b) "What is the greatest moral threat facing humanity today?"
 (c) "Can I wear your hat?"

6. You write a column containing a so-called "joke" that is so tasteless, insensitive, juvenile, vicious, and cruel that thousands of readers write or call the newspaper to state that they are deeply offended. You should:

 (a) Apologize to them in a column.
 (b) Apologize to them in a public forum.
 (c) Threaten to cancel their subscriptions.

SCORING: If you answered "c" to all of these questions, then you might have potential as a humor columnist. But I warn you: There is a lot of work involved.

For example, in this book you'll find two columns I wrote about Paris. To produce those two columns, I had to spend two weeks in Paris conducting tax-deductible research in various cafés so I could provide my readers with solid information about issues such as exactly where Paris is (not in Italy, it turns out) and what the French people are thinking (they're thinking that we're morons).

You will find that quality of research oozing out of every column in this book. I hope you enjoy it and learn from it. Because my goal, in writing it, was to help others and make the world a better place.