1 Election Day
November 2, 2004, 3:43 P.M.

It was a cool, misty day in Boston, Massachusetts, and TeamRadioFranken was riding high. And for good reason. We had just put on an excellent show. And we were about to take over the country.

Exit polls leaked to us by our sources in the bowels of the liberal media indicated that John Forbes Kerry, who you might recall was running for President of the United States on the Democratic ticket, was surging ahead of George W. Bush, who was about to become a one-term president like his loser father.

Our hard work had paid off. In the preceding seven months we had built an explosively popular radio network that, in our view at that moment, had fundamentally redefined American political discourse. In the 2000 election, the right-wing propaganda apparatus had succeeded in painting Al Gore as a serial exaggerator and political opportunist. But in 2004 we were there to fight back. And fight back we did. For three hours a day, five days a week, The Al Franken Show had counterattacked the Republican noise machine with truth and comedy doled out with unbridled ferocity and glee. We had delivered the facts, and we had delivered the funny. And now we were tasting the sweet fruit of our labors. In fact, the exit polls suggested we were so far ahead, some us were privately wondering if we hadn't worked too hard in the preceding weeks and months. Perhaps we should have devoted more time to our families or hobbies.

Some might describe our mood as smug. Others might call it giddy. Both would be correct. There was a smug giddiness in the room, so smug and giddy that, as we planned for our November 3 broadcast, we didn't bother wasting even a minute sketching out a Plan B—what to say if Bush won rather than Kerry.

My staff was gathered around an oblong conference table in a back room at our hotel in Boston for our post-show meeting. Ideas for the next day's victory show were flying. Producer Ben Wikler thought I should start the show with an inspiring speech about not only what I and John Kerry had accomplished, but what the whole progressive movement had accomplished by working together. Executive Producer Billy Kimball thought I should use the moment to deliver a few leftover, gratuitous slams to the defeated and disgraced lame duck. Mostly, the staff wanted to spend the program crowing about our triumph and exulting in Bush's collapse.

Punch drunk with anticipation of the coming Democratic ascendancy, we cobbled together an opening monologue:

As you have probably heard, John Kerry was elected President yesterday. We'll get to that soon. But first, I want to pick up where I left off with the case against George W. Bush. Now, as I was saying yesterday, nothing illustrates Bush's incompetence more than the looting of hundreds of tons of high-grade explosives from the al Qaqaa ammo dump. But it's not just incompetence.

The plan was that I would milk the conceit for a minute or so, and then my cohost, Katherine Lanpher, would talk me out of it. Then I'd take the high road for a moment—"This wasn't just a victory for John Kerry, it was a victory for a movement; the young people of America have changed the course of history forever; now's the time for healing and reconciliation after four years of bitterness"—and then we'd get into the good stuff: gloating. We'd play "We Are the Champions," and then play Bush's concession speech, and then play "We Are the Champions" again, this time singing along, and then play the concession speech with our snarky comments over it. "You blew it! You had it in your hand, and you blew it!" and "Hey, Karl Rove! Mister GENIUS!!!" . . . stuff like that.

Over gales of laughter, we started riffing. What jobs would former Bush administration officials take? Cheney, of course, would be CEO of Halliburton again. Colin Powell would collect board directorships. Bush would become senior vice president of Halliburton, after being rejected as commissioner of baseball.

And what about Rumsfeld? He'd honor us with a fake phone call and, as usual, he'd disrupt the interview by asking himself rhetorical questions. It might be my last chance to do my Rummy impression, which I had recently perfected.

Am I happy Kerry won? No. Could the election be interpreted as a repudiation of the wars I mismanaged? Maybe. Should I take responsibility? No. Why should I? Will I be secretary of defense in the new administration? Probably not. Am I going to leave the Pentagon? No way. Are they gonna try to remove me? Sure. Is this some kind of coup? You could call it that. Have I gone crazy? You tell me.

We left the hotel for the Kerry victory party in Copley Square, high-fiving each other and feeling as if we were on top of the world. Little did we know that we were about to begin a nightmarish death spiral into the fiery pits of electoral obliteration. (Though not, as I will painstakingly document later in this chapter, by a substantial margin.)

Bouncing cheerfully into the lobby of the Fairmont Copley Hotel to pick up our press credentials, I spied a friend, a grinning Ed Markey. With Senator Kerry in the White House, the way would finally be clear for the tireless, handsome Massachusetts congressman to run for Senate. And from there, who knows? We bumped chests in the manner of victorious cavemen.

Next I saw Gene Sperling, former—and, now, future—economic adviser to the president. His face was alight. "We've done it," his glowing face seemed to say.

"We've done it!" I said to Gene.

"That's what I just said," answered Gene.

"Oh," I responded, "I thought that was just your face."

Gene shot me a weird look. But the awkwardness could not survive the building excitement we were both feeling. We hugged. More awkwardness as we disentangled ourselves, followed again by shared joy.

But tonight would not just be a celebration of the plum executive branch appointments that my friends and I would soon choose from. No, it was a victory for all of America, and indeed the world. Every American child would soon have health insurance. Every American ally would soon have reason to trust us again. Even Karl Rove, I mused expansively, would be better off in the long run under a Kerry administration. Though, I supposed, it might take him a while to realize it.

Copyright © 2005 by Al Franken, nc