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Too Soon to Say Goodbye [Secure eReader (recommended)/Mobipocket/Microsoft Reader]
eBook by Art Buchwald
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eBook Category: People/General Nonfiction
eBook Description:   When doctors told Art Buchwald that his kidneys were kaput, the renowned humorist declined dialysis and checked into a Washington, D.C., hospice to live out his final days. Months later, "The Man Who Wouldn't Die" was still there, feeling good, holding court in a nonstop "salon" for his family and dozens of famous friends, and confronting things you usually don't talk about before you die; he even jokes about them. Here Buchwald shares not only his remarkable experience--as dozens of old pals from Ethel Kennedy to John Glenn to the Queen of Swaziland join the party--but also his whole wonderful life: his first love, an early brush with death in a foxhole on Eniwetok Atoll, his fourteen champagne years in Paris, fame as a columnist syndicated in hundreds of newspapers, and his incarnation as hospice superstar. Buchwald also shares his sorrows: coping with an absent mother, childhood in a foster home, and separation from his wife, Ann. He plans his funeral (with a priest, a rabbi, and Billy Graham, to cover all the bases) and strategizes how to land a big obituary in The New York Times ("Make sure no head of state or Nobel Prize winner dies on the same day"). He describes how he and a few of his famous friends finagled cut-rate burial plots on Martha's Vineyard and how he acquired a Picasso drawing without really trying. What we have here is a national treasure, the complete Buchwald, uncertain of where the next days or weeks may take him but unfazed by the inevitable, living life to the fullest, with frankness, dignity, and humor.
eBook Publisher: Random House, Inc./Random House Publishing Group
Fictionwise Release Date: November 2006
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Available eBook Formats [Secure eReader (recommended)/Mobipocket/Microsoft Reader - What's this?]: SECURE MOBIPOCKET FORMAT [170 KB], SECURE MICROSOFT READER FORMAT [261 KB] - Requires Microsoft Reader 2.1.1 for PCs, or Microsoft Reader 2.2.2 on Pocket PC 2002 handheld devices. Some older Pocket PCs can be upgraded. Learn More., SECURE EREADER (RECOMMENDED) FORMAT [129 KB], OEBFF Format (IMP) [241 KB]
All formats: Printing DISABLED, Read-aloud DISABLED
Microsoft Reader ISBN: 9781588365743
Adobe Reader ISBN: 9781588365743
Mobipocket Reader ISBN: 9781588365743
eReader ISBN: 9781588365743
GEOGRAPHIC RESTRICTIONS: Available to customers in: US, CA What's this?
 
1
On Standby for Heaven I am in a hospice and I have this recurring dream. I am at Dulles airport and I have a reservation to go to heaven. I go into the terminal and look at the list of flights. Heaven is at the last gate. I don't know if they have reading material on the plane, so I stop at the magazine stand and pick up Vanity Fair, The New Yorker, and Playboy. I also buy a package of gum and some M&M's. Then I head toward security. I have bought my ticket, which says, "When you go to heaven, you need only one bag, but do not include a cigarette lighter or sharp scissors." I stand in line for hours. I didn't realize how many people were on the same flight. I run into several friends, and I am surprised to see them. They hadn't mentioned they were going too. In my dream several of them are younger than I am, and I know two who were smokers. I finally get to the security gate, holding on to my bag for dear life. The agent says, "You don't have to bring your computer with you. They have them up there." I say to the agent, "I want to hold on to my bag because I don't want you people to lose it." Then they make me take off my jacket, my belt, and my shoes. When I ask why, the agent says, "You don't want to wear shoes in heaven. They scratch up the floor." They send me through another gate because I have a pacemaker. Then they make me stick out my arms and they scan my legs with a wand. I finally get to the departure gate. Dulles is crowded. In my dream, there are no seats in the waiting area, so I go to Starbucks to kill time. I am not sure if you get lunch on the plane to heaven. For all I know, they give you a bagel and cream cheese and a soft drink. I am warned by an attendant that I can't get out of my seat on the flight. This is kind of silly, because who would hijack a plane to heaven? It's open seating on the plane. I know heaven is a wonderful place, but on the way there you have to sit three across. As with all flights, there are emergency exits in case the pilot changes his mind. There are also life jackets under each seat. In my dream the flight attendants are very beautiful, and they hand out blankets and pillows. I enter the waiting area. The loudspeaker says, "Heaven is at the last gate. There will be intermediate stops in Dallas, Chicago, and Albuquerque. The plane has just arrived." I go up to the desk and ask, "Am I entitled to frequent flyer miles?" The agent says, "You won't need any, because you're not coming back." Now, this is the part I love. (Remember, this is my dream.) The loudspeaker says, "Because of inclement weather, today's flight to heaven has been canceled. You can come back tomorrow and we'll put you on standby." Copyright © 2006 by Art Buchwald.
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