GHOST BUGS
Harry was about to bite into a ham sandwich when the doorbell rang. Opening the door, he saw a petite, white-haired woman in a khaki uniform.
"Good Afternoon." She thrust a donation can toward him. "I'm with the SBMC Ladies Auxiliary. We're having our annual fund drive."
"What does SBMC stand for?"
"The Santa Buffoona Monster Chasers."
"Monster Chasers?"
"Surely you've heard of us."
"Nope. Just moved here last week. This is a joke, right?"
"Certainly not! Do you see the white-haired man sitting in a red Mustang down the block?"
"Yeah."
"He's our most experienced werewolf chaser. The moon's full tonight. I'm sure you know what that means."
Harry laughed. "You gotta be kidding me. Everybody knows werewolves don't exist."
"I beg to differ, Sir."
"Differ all you want. To me, things I can't see don't exist. And I've never seen a werewolf."
"Of course you haven't. That's because the man in the red Mustang carries an assault rifle loaded with silver bullets. All the werewolves know it, so they stay out of town. Let me ask you this: have you seen the Loch Ness Monster running amok through Main Street?"
"No."
"That's because our fearless members have kept that horrid thing away with cattle prods and tasers for almost fifty years. How about zombies? Have you seen any in the library, or supermarket?"
"Can't say that I have."
"Nor will you. Thanks to our Monster Chasers, there hasn't been a single zombie attack in Santa Buffoona for almost sixty years. This city used to be loaded with them until the Monster Chasers kicked them all out. Our people really do a super job. Just two months ago, they caught the Invisible Man. They keep him in a gorilla cage at the Courthouse. He's on display every weekday from nine to five."
"Is he really invisible?"
"Go see for yourself. By the way, you look like a man who could hold his own in a scrap."
"I'm a retired Gunnery Sergeant. Spent thirty years in the Marine Corps."
"You'd be perfect. There's an immediate opening for somebody to keep the Bogeyman away during the midnight shift. He was spotted lurking around the edge of the city again."
"Hmm. What does it pay?"
"Nothing. We're all volunteers. That's why we're collecting donations. We need more wooden stakes, silver bullets, wolf bane, steel traps, crossbows, Billy clubs, holy water, and crosses. It's awfully expensive to keep this city monster-free."
"I can't handle the midnight shift," Harry said. "Messes up my sleep."
"Well, I must get going," she said. "I'm on vampire patrol tonight. Did you say you'd give a donation?"
"Yeah, sure." Harry reached into his pocket, found twenty-eight cents, and dropped it into the donation can.
"Thank you. Please accept this gift as a token of our appreciation. It'll come in very handy."
"Keep it. I already have a fly swatter."
"Sir, this isn't a fly swatter. It's a ghost bug discombobulator."
"What's a ghost bug?"
"A mischievous, but harmless critter. Santa Buffoona is infested with them. They first showed up when zombies illegally crossed the Mexican border and tried to take over the city. Some think ghost bugs are zombie cooties."
"Have you tried to exterminate them?"
"Long ago. But it's hopeless. Like zombies, ghost bugs can't be killed because they're already dead. We think the same mysterious force that animates zombies also animates ghost bugs. On top of that, they're invisible."
"If they're invisible, how do you know they're around?"
"Because they move things. Like bedroom slippers, toothbrushes, wallets. If you notice that something in your apartment has mysteriously moved from one place to another, chances are ghost bugs did it. That's when the discombobulator I gave you will come in handy. Use it to slap the surface surrounding the thing they moved. Make sure you do it exactly thirteen times. It scatters the ghost bugs. Keeps them out of mischief for a day or two. But then they start all over again."
The woman thanked Harry again, turned and left.
"Ghost bugs? Goofiest thing I ever heard," Harry mumbled while finishing his ham sandwich.
The next day Harry spent two hours looking for his car keys. They turned up inside the fridge's vegetable bin. "How the hell did that happen?" he yelled. "Jeez. Maybe ghost bugs really exist." Grabbing the discombobulator, he swatted the inside of the vegetable bin thirteen times.
Every few days, ghost bugs moved something in Harry's apartment. At first he was annoyed, but soon found himself intrigued. He decided to collect every scrap of information he could discover on the critters. Finding nothing on the Internet, he wrote to several Haitian scientists. To his dismay, the only answer he received suggested he seek psychiatric help.
Harry got an unexpected break when a letter arrived from a man claiming to be a Haitian witch doctor. The man said he knew all about ghost bugs. They'd shown up in his village over sixty years ago as a result of a voodoo spell that'd gone wrong.
Somehow ghost bugs were invoked from the netherworld. They attached themselves to zombies who later migrated to Santa Buffoona, California. But there was hope. For 100,000 US dollars, the witch doctor would make good juju to eliminate Santa Buffoona's ghost bugs, forever.
Harry and the Monster Chasers tried to raise the money, but fell far short of the required amount. They offered what they'd collected, plus the Invisible Man, in payment for the spell. But the witch doctor refused. However, when the Loch Ness Monster was added to sweeten the deal, he quickly agreed.
Santa Buffoona is forever free of ghost bugs, the Invisible Man, and the Loch Ness Monster. And a Haitian village is raking in millions from its fabulous tourist attractions.
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