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Dr. Offig's Lessons from the Dark Side, Vol. 1 [MultiFormat]
eBook by P. S. Gifford
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$5.95 |
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eBook Category: Horror/Young Adult
eBook Description: Some people are optimists and some people are pessimists, but Dr. Offig is a "gruesome-ist!" Visit him in his cluttered and curious office for a chocolate éclair oozing with fresh cream and he will surely tell you one of the wonderfully creepy stories he is famous for--the kind that makes your eyes bug out in disbelief, your skin shiver and crawl and your tummy wiggle like a very large bowl of incredibly nervous Jell-O. And once in a while they might--just might I say--even make you laugh out loud. But be forewarned, most dearest, charming, intelligent and, might I add, particularly shrewd reader--these stories can also become very, very, very (yes, THAT very) addictive. Once you finish with one of Dr. Offig's stories, you will most certainly want to read another, then another, and then another still. Which sometimes makes it hard to go to sleep with the lights out...
eBook Publisher: Virtual Tales, Published: 2008
Fictionwise Release Date: June 2008
Available eBook Formats [MultiFormat - What's this?]: Adobe Acrobat (PDF) [4.3 MB], eReader (PDB) [185 KB], Palm Doc (PDB) [167 KB], Rocket/REB1100 (RB) [153 KB], Microsoft Reader (LIT) [424 KB] - PocketPC 1.0+ Compatible, Franklin eBookMan (FUB) [200 KB], hiebook (KML) [435 KB], Sony Reader (LRF) [344 KB], iSilo (PDB) [141 KB], Mobipocket (PRC) [194 KB], Kindle Compatible (MOBI) [272 KB], OEBFF Format (IMP) [238 KB]
Words: 51455
Reading time: 147-205 min.
Microsoft Reader (LIT) Format: Printing DISABLED, Read-Aloud ENABLED
Adobe Acrobat (PDF) Format: Printing DISABLED, Read-Aloud ENABLED
All Other formats: Printing DISABLED, Read-aloud DISABLED
ISBN: 978-09782157-3-6
 
"Creepy stories, twisted endings, unearthly beasties lurking in the corners--these nerve-rattling narratives will keep you turning pages as you turn on more lights!--Denyse M. Hammen, Director of Entertainment & Marketing, HyperiCon Speculative Fiction Convention
"Paul Gifford proves that he can not only write wickedly delicious horror tales for an adult audience, but entertain the young with just as successful a hand!"--Lawrence Dagstine, Author Fresh Blood "This is truly Young Adult Horror at its best; it's creepy, funny, haunting and captivating. You won't be able to put it down."--Deanna A. Crews, VP Marketing, Promotions & Event Planning, CFS Inc. "PS Gifford's work puts me in mind of Roald Dahl on a spooky outing. Highly enjoyable."--DJ Burnham, Author Test Drive "Brilliant, witty, spooky & spilling over with Giff ord's best work yet. This is a collection that will keep you coming back for more!--Kimberly Raiser, Author Stranded: Stories from the Edge of Infinity
Timmy Butterfield yawned lazily and stretched out his arms. Mrs. Butterfield, Timmy's mother, smiled sweetly as she gently brushed his reddish brown hair "You have had a long day Timmy! Wasn't it so very nice that my brother came over and gave you an early eleventh birthday present?" Timmy looked at the ventriloquist doll--Mr. Birch--sitting solemnly on the couch next to them, gazing back at him with that odd, painted smiling face. He shuddered. "I guess so mum," he replied politely, not wishing to hurt her feelings. The truth was that Timmy was not very fond of the dummy. In fact, if he was honest, he was actually a little terrified of it. However, he did adore and idolize his bizarre Uncle Scott, who was a professional magician! Every time he came to visit he always had lots and lots of astonishing and fascinating new tricks to perform for him. That night had been no exception and Uncle Scott--who went under the rather grand stage name of "Marvin the Magnificent"--had performed some incredibly wonderful illusions indeed. One trick used three large steel rings that somehow managed to intertwine and untwine with each other right before Timmy's eyes! He also did some marvelous card tricks, which are some of Timmy's most favorite kind of magic. His final trick, however, had been by far the most amazing. Marvin the Magnificent was dressed in his usual long, flowing black cape and matching top hat and presented Timmy with a large, empty wooden box. First he allowed Timmy to carefully examine it from each and every angle--and Timmy was very serious about doing this! He tapped each side in turn and carefully examined the box closely from all angles. Finally, when he was completely satisfied that the box was well and truly empty, Marvin the Magnificent told him to take a seat in his deepest and most mysterious voice. Next he began to wave his long black wand furiously over the box while he began furiously muttering strange, weird words over and over and faster and faster. All at once there was a small explosion and thick smelly purple smoke filled the dining room! A few minutes later--after the smoke had finally cleared and his mother had scolded Uncle Scott sharply for making such a terrible mess--Timmy walked nervously over to box and cautiously peered inside. Will you hazard a guess as to what was now in there? Yes, looking back up at him with an unblinking smile was the dummy. Can you imagine such a thing? Marvin the Magnificent looked at Timmy's astonished face. "Meet Mr. Birch," he said excitedly. "He's your birthday present!"
* * * *Timmy suddenly yawned again, and Mrs. Butterfield stood up and picked Mr. Birch up affectionately. "Up the wooden hill everyone!" she said, waving Timmy up the stairs. Several minutes later Timmy was wearing his favorite pajamas, the taste of bubble gum toothpaste was still fresh in his mouth, and he was safely tucked into his bed. "Let's keep the window open tonight, Timmy," his mother said as she fumbled at the clasp. "It's a warm night, and the fresh air will do you good!" Then she placed Mr. Birch on an old rocking chair directly in front of the open window, just six feet away from Timmy. He looked once more at Mr. Birch's face frozen face and shivered, then he reached over to his bedside drawer and pulled out his trusted flashlight and placed it under his feather pillow. "Sweet dreams, Timmy!" his mother said lovingly as she kissed his brow. "And don't let the bed bugs bite!" Timmy giggled as she pulled the bed sheet up about him. Then she turned and walked over to the door, switched the light off and went back downstairs. * * * *Later that night Timmy's sleep was disturbed by a curious noise. He suddenly shot up straight in his bed and stared at the clock. It is the middle of the night, he realized, now fully awake. Then he heard the noise again and reached for the flashlight from under his pillow and clicked it on. He shone it directly at the rocking chair near the foot of his bed, where he was convinced the noise was coming from. As the light lit up Mr. Birch's face, Timmy got a big shock as he saw that the chair was gently rocking back and forth. Timmy watched on, too scared to move, until it finally stopped .Then he studied Mr. Birch's face closely and then took a big breath. It has to be my imagination, that chair could not have been moving, I have read far too many horrible and spooky stories! He shut of the flashlight and tried to fall back asleep. Just as he began to slip into a deep sleep once more, he heard the curious noise again. Now convinced that it was not his imagination, he once more reached for his flashlight. Nervously he shone it toward the rocking chair, then he screamed. The chair was slowly rocking back and forth again, but this time it was completely empty! Moments later Mrs. Butterfield rushed into his room and switched on the light. Then she screamed very loudly at what she saw. There by the side of the bed was an enormous dead rat. What is more, my dear reader, there sitting right next to the rat carcass was Mr. Birch--and Timmy was sure that Mr. Birch was grinning a little bit more than he remembered before. Soon a very grumpy Mr. Butterfield was hastily dragged from bed and forced to remove the horrible dead beastie. Mrs. Butterfield closed the window, shaking her head. "Well, I guess we know how that got in here!" she said in a matter-of-fact tone, trying to cover up her own fear. "That rat must have got tangled up around Mr. Birch somehow and dragged him to the floor. But I wonder what killed the bloomin' thing?" She then placed Mr. Birch back onto the rocking chair and walked back over to the bed to tuck Timmy in for the night again. As she walked over towards the light, Timmy stared in wonder and delight at Mr. Birch, for he knew what had really happened but was sure that his mum would never believe it. At that very moment, my dear reader, a wondrous and almost unbelievable thing happened. Yes, it was precisely at that moment that Mr. Birch seemed to directly meet Timmy's gaze and gave him a slow, affectionate wink! From that night on Timmy never went to bed unless Mr. Birch was sitting on his rocking chair.
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