Eleven Reasons Why Women Cheat [MultiFormat]
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eBook by Debra Laino
eBook Category: Self Improvement/General Nonfiction
eBook Description: Eleven Reasons Why Women Cheat gives the reader an idea of the reasons why women are taking their sexuality into their own hands and openly talking about it. Dr. Debra Laino explores women's most secretive behavior in this enlightening book.
eBook Publisher: SynergEbooks, Published: SynergEbooks, 2010
Fictionwise Release Date: July 2010
THE ATTENTION FACTOR
"This type of book has been a "long-time" coming, much needed, and should be a staple for every counselor, relationship expert, or individual trying to understand why they were victimized in the relationship to read. Debra has not only redefined the boundaries for "cheating" but has pushed the bar to an insightful new level!"
~ Peter Andrew Sacco Ph.D, Author
Do you ever see those couples that are constantly in each other's arms? Neither of them ever complaining about each other's behavior, and both are sexually and emotionally satisfied? These are the couples that are giving each other the emotional and physical attention that most people crave. It is this bonding that we know is the glue that holds couples together and keeps them interested in one another.
There have been many clients I have treated in the past that stated that as soon as they got married, the sex stopped. Inside, I was questioning this because this is such a stereotypical thing to say/think. We forget that we take a part in the relationship, therefore our behavior and reactions, and who we are as a person, reflects how our partner acts and reacts. Over the years, many men have said to me things like, "I don't know what happened to our sex life" or "She never wants to have sex" or even worse, "She's frigid." Within a very short period of time, I came to realize that the partner who was complaining about the lack of sex they were getting was also the one who was emotionally neglecting the partner who wasn't giving them the sex they wanted.
It is important to note that the emotional neglect always comes first. If, for example, a woman's emotional needs are not being met, she will soon not be interested in giving herself to her mate in a sexual way.
There are huge generation differences between women, some of which that are very noteworthy.
Let me explain:
Many younger women in this day and age are able to just have sex, where the emotions are something that they deal with later. They are modernized to the point of knowing when they are aroused and that having sex for the sake of having sex is okay and accessible to them. They are a product of their culture. However, many women -- often older women -- are still very much into having their emotional needs met and they associate having this and their sexual needs met in a different light than the modern generation. This is not to say that the younger women do not have emotional needs. The point is that women differ on how receptive they are to sex both emotionally and physically.
It is important to understand that the healthiest relationships are those that have a balance between satisfying both the individual's emotional needs and both of their physical needs.
Attention, or rather the lack of attention, is most likely the number one reason women go astray. When a woman does not get the attention from her mate that she feels she deserves -- as a partner and as a woman -- there is usually someone else willing to give that attention to her. I will tell you that from a woman's perspective, many of the emotionally neglected do not know this. Most women know that the old saying, "If you won't give it to me, someone else will" is true. And more women are acting upon this.
In this day and age, many women are choosing not to stay in a relationship where they are not getting their needs met. Many women will try to work it out and ask for more attention from their mates, but more and more women are quickly leaving their relationships in order to find the attention that they need to thrive. Leaving the relationship comes in many different forms -- from breaking up face-to-face, over the phone, via email, and the ever popular Sex and the City way -- 'on a post-it' note...as well as by way of infidelity.
Currently, many women have that self-righteous attitude that states that if they have to make the relationship happen, then they don't want the relationship. Instead, they want their partner to know them in the intimate way that they know their partner. Therapists hear the same sayings over and over again: "Why can't he just understand me the way I understand him?" or "I feel like I know him more than he knows me," and "He doesn't put the effort into this relationship like I do." Many women feel they deserve better and often they leave before their partner knows what has happened. They leave because their partner fails at giving them the attention they needed in that particular relationship.
For this reason, I cannot say I blame many women. In my clinical experience, I have seen many women who have been married for ten-plus years that feel they know their husbands very well. But when it came time for their husbands to show what they know about their partner, those men often "dropped the ball." For example, after ten years of marriage, the male partner still does not know that his wife gets her feelings hurt when he stays out past eleven o'clock without a phone call home. Yet if the female partner did this, the husband would be irate. A thought about infidelity and secrecy all too frequently enters the mind of the one left at home of the mate that disappears for long periods of time. If this thought does not occur in the mind of the person who is waiting for their partner, that partner is naive, especially in this day and age.
Here is another example:
What about the male who is consistently looking at other women in the presence of his female partner? If you are consistently looking at the others while in the presence of your partner, there is a problem.
Many people, whether male or female, view this as a lack of attention on their partner's part. Many also view this as lack of respect. In my experience, many women find this behavior extremely threatening and disrespectful. I am not discussing self-esteem or sexual hang-ups with regard to this. The fact is, many women find this type of behavior very disheartening. And I know it is fair to say that it is not just woman who feel this way. In this instance, how do we gauge what respectful behavior is? Obviously respectful behavior is decided upon individual and may differ with all people. After all, there are a percentage of women who have no problem with their partners looking at other women. But if one partner tells the other partner that it hurts their feelings and makes them angry, shouldn't he stop the behavior?
There are a few trains of thought on this. My thought is that he should absolutely stop this behavior. After all, if the male partner is satisfied, why would he look at another woman? The other school of thought is, "What's wrong with this; isn't it normal to look?" This is where the problem comes in. Is the male looking at another woman's sexual body parts or is he simply admiring a beautiful woman? If it is the later of the two, then no there should not be any problem... that is, if all of his partner's emotional needs are still being met.
The other problem with the above scenario is that women grow up in a world where their bodies are treated as a piece of merchandise. Women are very sensitive to how they are being perceived and how other women are being perceived. And examples like this are where much of their truths come from. For example, a woman is walking down the street in a short skirt, a sheer top, and a pair of heels. She looks very attractive but appropriate for her surroundings. The men who are walking by her turn their heads and look directly at her legs, buttox, and breasts. This perpetuates the notion that women's bodies are very important. Is it possible that this woman wants attention and she dressed this way to gain this attention? Sure. But what about the women who are watching all of this? Some feel violated as a woman because they see their worth being evaluated by men in accordance with their sexual body parts.
To complicate things more, what if one of those men is walking with his wife and he turns around to look at another woman's buttox while having a conversation with his wife? Is this disrespectful? Degrading? Interestingly, many therapists will focus on the woman's insecurities instead of the behavior of the man. This is ridiculous: it is nothing more than disrespectful and degrading to the woman the man is with.
In my practice, men with wondering eyes is an issue that has reared its ugly head countless times. The most common response I get is, "I am a man." This is a cop-out that has been used for many years as a way to allow men to continue their false sense of masculinity and prowess.